The Trigger
by ada511
Summary: At Simon and Kaylee's wedding, an uninvited guest starts a chain of events that will change River's future. MR
1. Chapter 1

**Title: The Trigger **

**Summary: River has to fight her own mind for her life. **

**A/N: PRE-Mal/River Romance. POST movie. Not associated with any of my other Firefly stories. I feel a little uncomfortable posting this as a)I'm worried it's over-done in the angst area and b)as some of my favorite M/R authors have just posted these fabulous funner things recently.**

**Disclaimer: These characters, etc belong to Joss Whedon... or a company, but not me.   
Warning: A bit more violent than normal. There's some blood. **

_Room 231_

Mal had earned his sleep. Walking into his room at the Inn, he didn't bother to turn on the lights as he shed his shirt and gun belt. Jobs liberating towns from ruffians, or transporting cargo, legal or otherwise - he could handle that stuff easy enough. But a wedding, a fugitive wedding at that; Too much energy keeping everything shiny. Mal's eyes were already half closed as he dragged his boots from his feet. Not that it had been too hard. Kaylee had been the fluffliest, shinest bride that ever walked down an aisle. Near the entire town had shown up to share food and wine and dance. Kaylee's family had been unconditionally welcoming even though they hadn't been allowed the name of the man they were welcoming until the week of the wedding.

Mal pulled at the covers and collapsed onto the mattress, only managing to drag the covers partially back over him. The only mark on the evening was Kaylee's woe that Simon's parents had ignored the invitation she'd secretly sent. But after a speechless moment, Simon had recovered (and performed) admirably. Mal didn't think anyone else realized that there was anger mixed with his shock. River had merely blinked thoughtfully and placed a reassuring hand on Simon's arm. It had become second nature to Mal to test the mood of a situation against her demeanor. And River hadn't seemed affected at all. In fact, she'd been something to see. He'd never seen joy on her face before. She'd glowed with it as she'd stood at the ceremony; might as well have been painted with it as she danced every song of the night like some sort of fairy girl.

Mal had spent the festivities at a corner table with Inara while people routinely stared and walked slowly by. Inara had fascinated the townsfolk with her fine clothes and beautiful face. But it was River who charmed them. She'd waltzed with old men and expertly whirled with the boys. She'd taught Jayne the foxtrot and, much to Mal's chagrin had taken his arm in a simple two-step. River had even coaxed Zoe out on the floor for a tango aimed to make her laugh.

When Zoe had returned, she'd exchanged notes with Inara. They were so busy pecking on like maternal hens both agreeing that River's conduct was a good sign that they hadn't notice River's smile falter as she glanced in their direction. But Mal had. He'd sent her a calm, reassuring nod before he'd snapped at the other two to stop analyzing the girl and let her be. Inara had fallen into silence sometime after that and Mal got that feeling in his chest that she was unhappy about something. Never did figure what. Time had passed that he was going to pull it out of her like a rotten tooth.

After a rather slurred speech of gratitude from Simon and three hugs to each guest from Kaylee, the happy couple had said their goodbyes and in due time people started to disperse. Some alone... some not. Mal sat watch until all his crew retired - finally having to nod meaningfully at River to make her way to the door as it was passed time for sleep.

They'd left together, in companionable quiet. When he'd paused with her at her door she'd been staring off into space in that unnerving way she did. It made the hair on his neck stand on end. But when he'd asked what was wrong she'd shaken her head as if confused and walked into her room.

Now, on the verge of sleep, Mal couldn't get comfortable. Something was bothering him. River was bothering him. He cursed half-heartedly, he couldn't get all agitated every time the girl was in a mood. She was probably just dreaming about one of the boys she danced with, or maybe she'd just stubbed her toe - how was he supposed to know? Everyone had moods. Hell, he was in right at this very moment. With a resigned sigh Mal reached down and took his gun from it's holster on the floor and lay it on the night stand... no harm in being cautious.

_  
Room 206_

River saw it take shape in her dream's eye but could do nothing now to stop it. She had seen the clouds gather months ago when the thought had been in Kaylee's heart. The thought to contact her future in-laws; River's parents. Warning; but the feeling had been small and mixed with something like relief. River hadn't wanted to discourage her new sister with the small nagging worry... and a part of her wondered if the relief meant some sort of reconciliation for the Tam family. But whatever was to come, River couldn't believe her parents would willingly betray their children. _Naive River_.

And now, too late. She could pinpoint _now_ when and who had planted it: the command in her brain, the words so innocently spoken to trigger her as he'd walked her off the dance floor. She hadn't heard them, which should have alerted her as odd - he'd spoken directly in her ear. But then, she'd been too distracted by delight and music... distractions... always dangerous. _Like her_.

By the time she woke, she could barely think through the command. Incapacitated. So simple, _such a stupid girl to be brought down so easily. She'd come to him full of herself, and had left before she'd been broke. She was a failed project. Damaged and unpredictable... someone needed to put her down._

No! Though it took all of her strength and concentration River reached passed the trigger and stumbled out of her room. Feverishly she sought the facts she needed from her brain. Not on Serenity. Not Simon; not Kaylee. There was only... Inara. Jayne. Zoe. Mal. Mal; strong enough to stop her, smart enough to hear. He was her only chance.

River just had to find him before the Weapon in her won.

She concentrated on the mirror at the end of the hall - transfixed by her own image as it grew with every step she made. Was it River in the mirror or the Weapon? Could she tell? _I've staked my crew's life on the notion that you're a person, actual and whole_. He'd be disappointed. And he couldn't really help. She was just setting him up for danger again..._failure and pain, that is what she brought to him._.._to everyone_...

River stared into her own eyes only inches from their dark reflection - the Weapon had the key after all... The Weapon was conscious when River was not... the Weapon would have been able to pluck the safe word right from their minds. Mal would expect River to find it. He'd expect her to be stronger than the messages that were tangling with her thoughts. She wanted to be able to live up to his trust. They all had trusted her, for so long, because he had. And now - it would all be ruined. Back to square one, back to isolation and fear - _might as well end it_. She put her fist into the mirror.

_No use to anyone - no use to Mal_... River squeezed her eyes shut - fought the message and tried to outsmart the Weapon. She didn't have a lot of time. With surpreme effort River dropped the sharp thing in her hand before it could go too deep and stepped over the glass she didn't remember shattering. Tracing her hands along the wall she picked up the Captain's trail and followed him to his room.

_Room 231_

Mal was accustomed to listening for signs of trouble in his sleep. So he heard the scratching against the lock even through his dreams. And even without his tracker skills honed by the war, he would have heard what happened next: three sharp bangs as the door flew open, hit the wall and slammed shut again.

Mal slid off the old inn's bed as he grabbed his gun in one fluid movement. Still, he hadn't quite straightened when she'd reached him; Disarmed him and tripped him so that he fell to the floor. Only one person moved like that. He only had time to grunt, "River?" before the slight but dangerous weight of her straddled him, pinning him down.

River leaned over him, sweat darkening the cotton slip she had worn to bed. Something darker stained her arms, spread even as Mal's mind was whirling to make sense of her behavior, "River, what the hell-"

"Shh," Mal raised his eyebrows but closed his mouth on his next sentence, "Listen... carefully... They triggered her mind...- but she's actual and whole. Please help...before I succeed. Stupid, insipid girl - " River shook her head, seemed to try again, "The old words won't work. Only the Weapon had the right words. River is the Weapon. River found the words."

Mal felt a sick sense of dread begin to crawl through his insides. Trigger... it was a contingency he'd worried over since Beaumonde. His own words - _actual and whole_. Help. Ok. How?

River concentrated on Mal's mind - his sane mind with no gorram murderous triggers in it and somehow she got out the rest, trying to use the right combination of words that would come together in his mind, "Safety in the mirror... Saw herself in the key- and didn't have any paper." River's voice cracked somewhere between a laugh and a sob, "Etched it in her skin - safe words for you to say.. Only you - I've created so much trouble for you, I'm so sorry..." The trigger in River's mind had found it's hold: _Guilt_. The avalanche took her under with it.

She took her hands off of him and cradled her head instead, relaxed so that his arms were no longer pinned. Mal moved as if he was handling an explosive - he squinted at the blood on her wrists still dripping from cuts that he guessed now were self-inflicted. Gently, he freed his arms from his sides and tried to push himself up to a sitting position without spooking her. He didn't like the look that had come into her eye, "River, honey - take it slow."

His movement unsteadied her and she slid partially off of him, "All my fault. I chose the school - so pretentious - so short sighted. I killed, just to live - selfish, selfish selfish! Blood on my hands. I've got to make it right Captain..."

"That was a long time ago, River, don't -" His mind had hardly grasped that her hand was hovering over his fallen weapon when somehow he understood her intent. Mal responded on reflex, "No!"

Mal would never have reached the gun in time if she hadn't still been partially tangled up in him. When he lunged for her, he trapped one of her legs with his, which threw off her aim. The bullet buried itself into the wardobe. Ruthlessly, he grabbed for the gun, managed to knock it out of her grasp only when she was busy punching his kidney. She was already scrambling to go after it when he stopped her the only way he could think of - he dropped his entire weight on her, crushing her to the floor.

She wrestled frantically under him and Mal knew, despite his weight advantage, if this was River the Weapon, he only had moments. Three times he tried the original safe word Simon had been taught. It made no difference at all, except, possibly, to make her angrier. Out of breath, he tried to reach his pilot, "You've been triggered- someone triggered self-destruct in your mind. I understand. I hear you. How do I stop it? Tell me how to stop it."

She stopped squirming and looked into his eyes, suddenly vulnerable; He could have sworn - herself, "Put a bullet in her."

Mal cursed violently and grabbed her wrist as it shot out toward the gun and the other as it snaked towards his, "NO! You listen to me now. You listen. The old safe words don't work. You're saying theres' new words?"

"Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live..."

"Those aren't them, darlin'" Frustrated, Mal took her wrists and slammed them against the floor, "Focus, River! Use that brain of yours and fight them!"

"Not them... him. He knew she wouldn't see it - caught up in her stupid brother and his trollop. She shouldn't have left. He only wants what's best for her... she should have served him on her knees - she was beautiful and innocent and she belongs to him-"

"Okay, shut up! Shut up!" The fresh blood made it impossible to keep a good grip on her wrists, "Tell me the gorram safe word."

River bucked under him, gave him a look of total exasperation that Mal knew without a shadow of a doubt was all River, "Trying to tell you.. Right in front of you. Can't say it ... myself..."

"Right... Ok... right in front of me. You etched it... On... your..." Mal muttered a chinese curse as he fought to keep his grip on her wrists,"skin, but..." Mal looked closer at her wounds and could just make out rudimentary chinese characters - but the blood had smeared and confused the lines. Steeling himself against the unpleasant task he used his thumbs to wipe away blood from each character until he could discern it.

River muttered under her breath, desperately trying to slow down her reflex to fight by cataloguing her every possible move in her mind in minute detail.

Distracted, Mal looked into her face, "Should I be listening to you?"

"No. Fighting the urge to kill you," She said, strain in her voice. Her face had turned from white to gray and Mal realized she was using every ounce of willpower left to keep from letting herself escape his tenuous grip.

"Oh. That's my girl. Steady... uh - " It took him a few tries - different tenses and combinations until finally the phrase made sense. The result was immediate. She relaxed completely, staring unseeing at the wall like the dead.

For a moment - just a moment Mal was afraid he'd been tricked into helping the wrong cause... Mal held his breath - realized he could feel her heart beating against his bare chest - and let out a sigh as it slowed, but kept steady.

A minute went by... then another. Carefully, inch by inch, Mal lifted himself off of her, ready to pounce in case she was playing possum. But she didn't move. Mal retrieved his gun and pulled on his shirt before sitting heavily on the bed. He rubbed the back of his head with his hands, watching her breathe. Unconsciously his breath slowed in rhythm with hers.

He had no idea how long River would stay in this state. Wearily, Mal got up to the vanity and poured water into the washbowl, carried it and a rag to the side of the bed. Then, gently, he scooped River from the floor and laid her on his bed. Taking his time, Mal cleaned the excess blood. Only a few of the cuts from her right arm were so deep that they were still bleeding so Mal used a clean handkerchief to apply pressure and dress the wound.

Mal ran down his options. He should call Simon, alert him to his sister's situation. But she was hardly in immediate medical danger and Kaylee might just kill him. Besides that, Mal needed to get to the bottom of this before the pleasantries of notifying kin could be dealt with.

Years the Tams had been on his boat and not once had they been found without inside help. After Miranda, there were enough Alliance that most likely knew where the Tams had found shelter - it hardly seemed likely that they would have waited til now to make a move. Besides - the stuff River had been saying pointed to a far more personal adversary than the government.

It's not like he'd thought everything was going to be rosy with River once she'd purged Miranda's secret. Just because she'd seized her sanity back with almost violent determination didn't mean Mal was just going to turn a blind eye to the obvious dangers lurking in her mind; At his insistence she'd spent months working out how to neutralize the killing trigger they'd witnessed in Beaumonde. But beyond that, what could he have done? He couldn't be lookin' around corners for all the old enemies of his crew to pop up. Jayne's share alone would eat up his time and energy times three.

He was so busy thinking, it took him a minute to realize River had been watching him at his work. Mal brushed her hair away from her face, "You okay?" River nodded, "Feeling suicidal or homicidal or anything like that?"

River gave him a dry look, and shook her head.

"Is anyone else in danger?" Mal asked - needing to know if he should gather everyone together.

River cocked her head to the side before answering, "No."

"Ok," Mal relaxed by a large margin, "Do you remember... how this happened?"

River looked at him, "I remember everything," and pushed herself up to a sitting position.

Mal didn't move, not at the moment caring about how close they were on his bed, "Then it's best you start from the beginning, darlin'."

to be continued...


	2. Siren's Song

A/N: Sorry for the double post - had a little guffaw.

One Year Later:

There was no harm in letting the crew, _all the crew_ take a bit of rest after the job they'd just finished. It had been a dirty one. A simple one, that was it's draw, but dirty and hard and not a one of them had left without grime stuck in their fingernails and a ruddy shade added to their skin. They were refueling and relaxing on a planet closer to the core than Mal liked, but so far, they'd escaped incident. So he'd finally okayed the shore leave... for one night. There was no harm in it, was what he kept telling himself. But she stuck out like a sore thumb was what his brain kept retorting back to him.

Jayne had found himself a seat at a gambling table while Simon and Kaylee cuddled up in a corner. Mal, Inara and Zoe shared a table nearby. Mal liked to keep close. Which is why River was causing him just enough anxiety to make his teeth itch but not enough to order her back to him. Mal sighed, keeping an inconspicuous eye on her as he drank. She had walked in right beside him, had surely intended to join his table but then she had caught the music in the air and stopped right in the middle of the room; Transfixed by some ancient fiddler with his piano-playing ancient partner. Mal had purposely let her be - if this is how she relaxed, then he wasn't going to stop her... Even though, as she slowly eased closer, the old man noticed her, watched her reaction to his music.

It wasn't a problem. Mal wasn't going to act like they were in wartime, wasn't going to insist that she heel like a mutt. Mal closed his eyes firmly for a moment and tried to listen to what Zoe and Inara were talking about.

But then the old fiddler had nodded his head at River and, with a conspiratorial wink, nodded toward his extra instrument. Mal felt a twitch start to develop under his eye. River, of course, seemed drawn to the violin like a bug to the sun. She stepped onto the stage.

Mal stood up, almost unconsciously. Simon's back had been to the proceedings thus far but his eyes darted to Mal's as soon as he heard the first ethereal whine of the strings. He'd known without even looking... Mal thought he would have too. She just had to do everything just a little bit too... uncommon. Mal looked down at the others for a moment and mumbled something about heading to the bar.

Inara made some remark about over protective birds that didn't penetrate Mal's consciousness right away. When he caught her implication Mal didn't bother to respond. He gave her a sharp, disappointed look and concentrated on moving away from the table - to create a two front defense in case it was needed - in case someone in the crowd heard it too: that quality to her playing that set her apart and distinguished her as superior from the rest of these gnarled crooks... from the rest of humanity in general.

River wasn't acknowledging him, though Mal knew quite well his thoughts were loud enough and to the point enough for her to sense. But she was lost in the complexity of some dance piece - feverishly dueling with the old man even as her face betrayed nothing but joy. Mal swore and ordered another drink.

That was how the music had started. Simple enough; quick cheery things. But the mood changed as the night wore on and Mal had yet to move from his position. Mal's frequent visual sweeps of the room had reassured him that no one was paying much attention to the entertainment. This made Mal happy. Every time someone glanced toward the slim virtuoso on the stage, Mal didn't relax until they'd looked away again. But as the music changed, Mal found it difficult not to stare at the musicians himself. All three of them cared, all three of them enjoyed the music. But it was River that Mal's eyes were drawn to. The melody seemed to weep from her fingers and trickle through the air. It caught at Mal's throat and sent his mind to the past - to a home he'd long since forgotten to picture and dreams he'd long since given up. He tore his eyes away and took a deep breath.

He leaned back against the bar and, took a drink from the beer he kept forgetting and waited.

Nothing happened. River was up with the band until the old man bowed his exhaustion with an embarrassed smile. She surrendered the instrument and stepped off of the stage toward Mal, throwing a reassuring smile toward Simon on the way.

"You look fine but you send out worry like great ocean swells," she said as she came up beside him.

"Make me sound like a nattering nursemaid."

River frowned, "I didn't mean it as a critisim."

"Sometimes you can't control how it's taken. I suppose you'll be saving up for one of those stringed machines now - Jayne's going to have a fit."

"I'm not sure the music would be true in space."

Mal looked down at her, the glow of the music still there in her skin was fading fast, weighed down by his attitude, by his worry, by silence.

"Your decision." He felt River's eyes on him and he turned to face her, wiping his face and mind clear, "Gather the others, I want to get back to the ship."

Mal's humor and peace of mind returned as soon as they'd left the bar. And, of course, that was when everything went to hell.

_Back to the night of Simon's Wedding: _

_Mal pulled on his long brown coat like a reptile might stretch into new skin and looked pointedly at the girl in his bed - curled up like a child, "So I don't have to actually sing..."_

_River shook her head so that she rested deeper into the pillow, "No, only wait the time it would take to sing the first two lines of the song."_

_Mal rolled his eyes, "But this is only if the man with the hat..."_

_"The bowler hat."_

_"Right, the man in the bowler hat - passes me in the stairs." Mal waited, but River only stretched in answer, looking content in her stolen nest. Mal took a step toward the door and changed his mind, turned back to her, "And if I do that, you're sure I won't be interrupting ... nothing..."_

_River opened her eyes, looking nothing like a child, "You can't trust me half way."_

_Mal sighed, walked to the door, "But if there's no hat..."_

_River turned over and cuddled with the blankets, "Then no singing."_


	3. Pinned

**A/N: Hmm. Morning sickness isn't so good on fanfiction.**

**Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. **

One moment they were walking side by side - he and River; a habit they'd taken to Mal had only recently noticed - she'd brushed past him like a cold wind leaving the space beside him

Mal cursed - he'd thought he'd seen a shadow hovering across the way and it was that shadow River had gone after like a hellfire. Mal turned in a circle, trying to figure which direction they'd ended up in - aware that the rest of the crew were in similar postures. Jayne started moving first, a growl deep in his throat, "I got her."

Mal motioned for Zoe to stay with the others- exchanging just the barest of looks with Simon before following his Merc.

As silently as he could Mal moved up alongside Jayne. The mercenary didn't look at him, just growled softly, "Moonbrain at ten o'clock. Quite a tussle... she don't usually let it last this long."

Mal knew. River could outfight and out maneuver anyone in the verse. He swallowed hard, a buzzing sort of dread settling in his blood. Mal saw them now, struggling on a large courtyard - just a shadowed pairing against the night. He motioned to Jayne to flank them while Mal moved in.

In the starlight, with the dew heavy dust the combatants were kicking up, Mal couldn't quite take stock of the situation until he was very close.

Mal had never seen River pinned before - on her knees, in the dirt... he didn't like it- not even a little bit, "Get your hands off my pilot before I put a bullet in your head." Mal aimed his gun steadily.

"I mean her no harm." The man said quickly, keeping his hold on River, "I was defending myself."

"Who are you?"

"Name's Warner. Matthew Warner. I'm a friend." He spoke clearly, with a sort of respect for the weapon trained on him, "I was a friend of River's..from the Academy."

Mal cocked the gun, "You got real close to her while you were cutting into her brain, did you?"

Warner released River, which was a mixed blessing in Mal's mind... shooting him would have felt good. "No! I wasn't a part of that. I was her trainer. I was her friend. River? Tell them -" He whispered something toward River and Mal shot a hole through the man's jacket. Warner clutched at his arm, but didn't cry out - which didn't impress Mal who felt sure he'd just grazed the muscle.

"We don't like secrets around here Warner. You try that again and the next bullet spills a lot more blood. River, come away from him."

Jayne emerged from the shadows behind them and Warner started to look anxious. "River might not remember - she - they hurt her - but Dr. Tam - where's her brother? He'll remember. I helped break her out. He'll remember."

Mal wasn't paying so much attention to what the man was saying as how River was responding. She'd gotten to her feet with all her normal grace and was now facing Warner; Searching his face and, Mal assumed, his thoughts. Mal took a step closer and grabbed for her wrist, pulling her back beside him, "Whether he does or not, don't really matter. Go about your business, leave us be."

Warner hesitated, looked back at Jayne, then to Mal, "You don't understand - I've been looking for her for... so long. I've been hoping to track your ship, but hadn't gotten the right information yet. This is just the purest of luck-" Warner swallowed hard when Mal made an angry noise with his throat, "I've wanted to see her again, make sure she's okay."

Mal still had a hand on River's wrist, didn't want to let go because he had the craziest feeling she might just go straight back to Warner. Mal wasn't in the mood for this, "She's peachy - as you can see. Now move along-"

"I remember him." River's voice, soft and simple and tender, seemed to split the night sky for Mal.

His trigger finger itched again as Warner's face lit up, "That don't prove nothing River."

"Please, Captain."

Mal sighed and smiled crookedly at Warner, "Excuse us for one second. Jayne, maim him if he acts up."

"Aye, aye, Captain." Jayne said pleasantly.

Mal pulled River aside and whispered fiercely, "What in the hell is going on here? Why did you attack him if you're so keen to have tea with him now?"

River's eyes seemed unable to keep from sliding back to Warner, "It was reaction. I was being cautious."

"Cautious I like. This guy - I do not."

River met Mal's gaze unwavering, "I can do this."

Mal shook his head in frustration then turned back to Warner, "Where can we reach you?"

Warner reached for his wallet then thought better of it as Jayne cocked his gun, Warner swallowed, "I'm staying at the Starlight Inn - I'm in the register - uh - room - 5778."

Mal nodded, "We'll be in touch. Jayne!" Mal motioned for Jayne to join them.

"River!" Warner called out, "You look... good - amazing."

River pulled back from Mal who was dragging her alongside him, "Captain said we'll be in touch."

Mal rolled his eyes, "River, stop talking. Warner you move before Jayne here counts to a hundred and you'll regret it." Jayne looked worried and Mal whispered, "You don't actually have to count Jayne."

River kept looking over her shoulder, "I do remember him."

"I heard you."

River stopped in her tracks, "Did you?"

Mal forced himself to a stop beside her, looked down into her eyes and wondered fleetingly what she could really see of him, "Yes, River. I did."

_One year ago, dawn after Simon's wedding:_

_According to River, Mal had a window - a short opportunity to catch the newlyweds clothed. Still... Mal rubbed the stubble on his chin before he knocked on the door. It wasn't that he didn't trust her. It was just that he worried she might not be at the top of her game - hurting for rest. Just like him. Turned out there had been quite a lot that this trigger had unlocked in her mind; And the more she revealed the heavier the weight on Mal's._

_Mal rolled his shoulders once and knocked on the door. He should have prepared a speech - but as it was, he wouldn't have needed it. Simon took one look at Mal's face and stepped back into the room. Mal cleared his throat, remembering River wasn't the only genius in the family. Mal stood off to the side in the hall, letting Simon make whatever excuses or promises he needed to make._

_When Simon joined him, he had his medicine bag with him. He closed the door and simply asked, "River?"_

_Mal nodded, "She's okay."_

_"What happened?"_

_Mal had his hand on the butt of his gun as they walked, the only sign that he was paying very close attention to his surroundings, "The simple answer is that she cut herself."_

_Simon nodded acceptance, "And the long answer is going to involve how my parents could care so very little about their own children."_

_Mal shook his head, "Don't jump to conclusions, Doc."_

_Simon stopped in his tracks, bent at the waist, his voice thick and tortured, "I didn't know Kaylee had done it - if I'd known I swear to you I wouldn't have let it happen ."_

_Mal grabbed his arm, anxiously looking around them, "Come on Doc, this isn't the time."_

_Simon nodded dully but didn't move, "I don't think River is normal."_

_Mal cocked an eyebrow, "Doc, I don't know where you've been the last couple of years but that there is old news -"_

_Simon straightened, "I think she was part of an experiment before she was born. I think it was because of me."_

_Mal pulled on Simon's arm again, "Doc, you can beat yourself up all you want in a minute - somewhere it ain't likely you're going to get me killed doin' it."_

_Simon moved then, sluggishly, "Where is she?"_

_Mal didn't answer, simply led the way back to his room._


	4. Stitched

**Disclaimer: Not mine at all... **

Simon was the one who knocked on the door. It hadn't been discussed, but he could tell by Mal's body language that it had been previously decided. The fact that it had probably been a specific part of the plan that his sister had been privy to, if not responsible for, Simon didn't dwell. Simon did as he was expected because Mal was in mission mode, which meant he was the the one in his element. He was in control and dangerous; Not the sometimes affable Captain or even the tortured ex-officer. Mal was in command. Simon just wasn't sure if he felt more or less secure with that. In this moment, Mal may as well have been a grenade without a pin.

When Warner opened the door, a red stained rag around his bicep, Simon held up his medicine bag, and tried to sound casual, "I was informed that you may be needing some medical attention."

Warner's gaze slid from Simon to Mal who's shotgun was clearly visible just under his long brown coat, "What, no back-up?"

Simon didn't crack a smile, he hadn't seen Warner and River fight - but he had heard about it, "The rest aren't far. And I'm bugged."

Warner nodded again and then stepped aside so the two could enter.

They faced each other then. It was odd, Simon hadn't expected to feel so adversarial. The last time he'd met with Warner it had been under an intense, but certainly exciting - certainly hopeful context. Yet, when Simon looked at him, all he saw were the butchers - the men who had torn into River's brain and stolen her future. 

"It's good to see you again Dr. Tam."

Simon took a moment to let the anger slip away before ignoring Warner's extended hand and motioning for the other man to take a seat at the desk, "Yes well, I'd say I'm sorry it's under these circumstances, but I have to admit I had no intention of seeing you again under any circumstances."

Simon didn't introduce Mal, nor acknowledge his presence in any way... they both had very specific jobs here. 

Warner looked sharply over as Simon started taking his supplies out of his bag, "There something I don't know about that went wrong with River's escape Doctor? Cuz you seem a mite prickly toward someone who risked his life for you to get her out."

Simon raised his eyebrows just a breath in that condescending way that he usually used to infuriate Mal - he'd learned it from his father and hated it just as much as Mal did. It was, however, very effective, "No, I am very appreciative of your help." 

Warner fidgeted in his chair as Simon undressed the wound and threw away the bandages, "It just seems like you don't trust me for some reason and I just want to assure you that my intentions toward your sister are pure."

Simon readied a needle, "That's good to hear Mr. Warner. Now, this is just going to prick a little, I'm numbing the area..."

Warner nodded, barely winced as the needle work was done. Simon worked silently for a minute before asking the next, most important question. The answer to which would determine every other move from here on out, "Mr. Warner, how did you say you found us?"

"There's that paranoia again." He hadn't, of course, told them before but Simon didn't rise to Warner's taunt. Warner slapped a hand on his thigh, presumably in surrender, "Okay. It's common knowledge that the you and your sister were attached to a Firefly Class ship. There aren't a lot of those still out there. Anytime I land on a world, I check the logs - I've still got some serious status you know. I can go into the cortex and check past and present. I got here five hours ago - you can check that much yourself... I asked around and then - ."

"And then?" Simon repeated.

"There she was - walking out of the bar just like I've been dreaming about," Warner smiled at the memory, "Almost didn't recognize her covered in all that grime - it made me mad - made me think of how the Academy had forced her into this life - had forced her to live like some sort of grease monkey. That must be why she attacked - I wasn't mindin' my thoughts and I don't blame her for seeing what she must have saw and going for me." 

Simon froze mid stitch, Mal had moved forward - twitched forward almost and Simon threw a desperate glance at the Captain to be still - to let him finish. Warner was still talking, oblivious to everything, apparently, but his own reaction to seeing River again; fighting her again. The passion with which Warner talked about the physical sparring didn't exactly make Simon happy either - but the crackle in the air coming from Mal worried him more at present. If Warner had trained River and River couldn't beat Warner in a fight - Simon didn't believe Mal's shotgun would be much use - more likely it would be turned on them.Mal nodded minutely and seemed to blend back into the background like the sentry he was supposed to be. Simon continued his work in silence, too worried now about the Captain's control to keep probing for information.

"So, River seemed well." 

Simon cut the last thread, knotted it several times, then stepped back to stand beside Mal, "Yes, she does seem well, doesn't she?"

Neither man made a move to stop Warner from toppling head first onto the floor. In sync, they took deep breaths and looked at each other, Mal nodded, "Whelp, that was fine work, Doctor, now why don't you get him undressed."

"Don't you have some sort of gadget that can detect homing devices or bugs or whatever we're so afraid of?"

Mal pressed a small button on his com to signal the rest of the team, "You squeamish, Doc?"

Simon frowned, Mal was Mal again - which meant he was confident in Simon's dosage - that was a sign of respect in itself, which Simon acknowledged in his mind even if it didn't change how he was going to argue, "Isn't this sort of thing - you know, battery and kidnapping more your type of thing?"

Mal smiled amiably down at Simon, "Come now, Doc, aren't you trained on working on naked unconscious bodies all the time? I think ethically, it's more appropriate if you disrobe him."

Simon shook his head but moved forward to complete the task, "Are you worried?"

"About River?" The communication between them on this subject could be truly eerie at times. It unsettled Simon in a corner of his mind that he didn't acknowledge.

"Yes."

"Not yet," Mal responded quickly as he grabbed Warner's discarded clothes and threw them out a window. Together they got Warner dressed in the jumpsuit they'd brought and stuffed his body into a laundry bag. Mal stuck his head out of the door just as Zoe and Jayne got out of the utility lift in their borrowed attendant's uniforms. They transferred the cargo and Mal and Simon walked out of the hotel just as they'd entered - empty handed._  
_

_Back to the morning after Simon's wedding:_

_Mal didn't need to unlock his door, River had busted it when she'd forced her way in, but still, he paused before entering. Mal looked at Simon then held up a hand, "Just... wait here... one second."_

_Simon's brows snapped together, "Wait here!? Aren't we in some danger, isn't there sort of a rush? Is River hurt worse than you've led me to believe, I need to-"_

_Mal rolled his eyes and snuck his foot in the door, "No - just... you're not in that much danger and - uh -if you were, your sister would be... hollering so... just stay there for a second-"_

_Mal kept his hand against the door - keeping it firmly closed as he looked around. River was sitting primly at the dressing table wearing one Mal's shirts over her slip. Their eyes met and River smiled, "You're right - Simon jumps to conclusions. But I was so very comfortable and I could have dealt with him."_

_Mal let out the breath he'd been holding, "I know. And I appreciate the gesture."_

_Mal dropped his hand to the knob and opened the door to an anxious Simon. Mal stood back as the Doc rushed to his sister - there had always been something special between them that Mal had respected. He carefully closed the door and propped a chair against it, taking his time to let the siblings have a moment of privacy before they got down to business._


	5. Bound and Blind

**The Trigger: Bound and Blind (chapter five) **

**Disclaimer: Still not property of mine - not the characters, not the world.**

**A/N: I reserve the right to re-write this whole thing after my first trimester of pregnancy if I realize my condition has bound or blinded me to a better, smoother story. Right now, I'm fine with it- not looking for false reassurance - but I thought that having spinach artichoke dip for lunch today was a good idea as well and that didn't go good for me. Anyway, if I do a rewrite it will be on the pen and ink website I think you can get to thru my profile. This isn't the end... I just felt the need to mention the possibility.  
**

"I had no choice. God help me, I was just trying to do my job."

Matthew Warner was tied to a steel chair in the dining commons onboard Reynold's ship _Serenity_. The entire crew (such as they were) were there in attendance as if he were the subject of some sort of town hall meeting. Warner had been asked to explain himself - his pursuit of River and his relationship to her. He knew that that meant that he was supposed to be proving his trustworthiness. He knew that they were all there to judge him, not make allowances for the past - for his involvement in what had happened to River Tam. Still, he made the appeal. Still, he tried to give them reason to believe him. But he was having trouble concentrating on just how to do that with the object of his journey sitting practically at his elbow - so close he could feel the energy coming from her gaze.

The clever thing to do would be to convince the others first. Warner knew how their acceptance would seep into River's mind - she couldn't control it. But River had grown since he'd last seen her... physically she'd become a force of beauty, psychically (even he could feel) she'd developed into something those needle soldiers at the Academy had only dreamed of. It was simply impossible for him to keep from staring at her every time his gaze neared her. He would have to work all angles at once. And since he seemed unable to ignore the empathy pouring from her, Warner fed on it - less and less concerned whether the crew accepted his word than with how she responded to his story.

Her cues were more encouraging than even he had hoped for, so much so that he'd considered escaping his bonds and just appealing to her to run with him now, on the spot. The crew would certainly pose little threat - they were more like some sort of strange caravan than the sort of obstacles he'd been trained against. But he held back and as he watched, he became aware of some of the undercurrents in the room. There was a unity here, a bond that would require strategy to break free of. It seemed River had come here broken - and it seemed that everyone closed ranks against those responsible for the wounds. River had more attachments here than just her kin and he didn't want to push her. He wanted her, that was sure, but he wanted her to come with him willingly. And he'd already waited too long to blast everything apart with an impulsive act.

He swallowed passed his dry throat and continued, "Initially, they chose their subjects based on physical ability and then tried to add in the psychic stuff. That's where I come from. I was singled out of the infantry for my fighting ability to go to the Academy. But they found out pretty fast that they'd got the wrong order. I was abandoned, but offered a position to train the new students. I took it. I - I was just - happy to be out of the surgical rooms."

Warner forced his eyes around the room again. Though he certainly hadn't inspired much sympathy, he could see beyond the postures and closed faces... . And there - just a degree passed their stoney faces, there was warmth. The limited success the Academy had had with subjects such as himself gave him that much. Nothing compared to the world that opened up for River, but it was enough for Warner to see that not everyone in the room was unmoved.

And most importantly, there was no doubt that River wanted to believe him. She sat beside him, closest to him. Warner knew it was by design - if he got free, she was the only one who'd have a chance to subdue him. Still, it could not have worked more to Warner's advantage. She leaned toward him as he talked, her eyes searching him for exactly what he wanted to offer her - hope for something more than this where she lived...

Simon sat at the opposite end of the table from Warner, "So you knew what was going on."

Warner glanced toward Simon. Simon had been an unexpected problem. The last time Warner had seen Dr. Tam he'd been about as soft - bellied as they came. Which is why Warner had expected to find the Tams much quicker... he'd just been waiting for the Doctor to make some fool move like check in to a fancy hotel or apply to work at a hospital. But he'd underestimated the love of a brother and the mind of a Tam. The man facing him now was barely recognizable as the man Warner had first met. Where Warner had expected naive relief at their reunion, he got only cold suspicions. But Warner knew better than to try to thaw Simon directly. He was only concerned with his sister - fear was still what motivated him. When Warner answered, he spoke to River, "No. No. When they were working on me it was all injections and crap - nothing like what they did to you."

"But you called them surgical rooms," The Companion pointed out, her arms folded over her exquisite finery.

Warner nodded, a Companion was trained in reading people as well - their physical reactions - well those were easy enough to control, "That's what they became."

"So you said you trained River," Simon said, "To fight?"

"It started out just like a lot of the institutions - they all have fitness training and such. But our program got more intense as it went on. I met River on the first day. Do you remember?" Warner leaned forward a bit until the resistance of his ropes forced him back.

River shook her head, "I only have bits and pieces."

"But you remember me?" He tried to keep his mind steady for the answer.

River nodded.

Warner relaxed, as if that was all he cared about. When he took up the narrative again, his tone was easier, he wanted them all to see he was no threat, "River wasn't... exactly a star pupil at the beginning. We worked a lot together but she seemed to have a mental block we couldn't quite get passed."

"And what was that?" Simon asked.

"She didn't like the idea of becoming an assassin is my guess." The Captain spoke from the shadows - stood in a corner just behind Warner. Warner worked hard to control the rise of temper at the sound of the man's voice. Warner twisted his neck to try and respond directly to the Captain, but Reynolds had intentionally positioned himself to make it impossible. A tactic to annoy as much as to keep Warner off balance and Warner knew it. Another snag. More complicated perhaps than the Doctor and more dangerous. River was in tune with the Captain, Warner had seen it just by the way her body responded to his voice. She spared a glance at her Captain then, just once, before returning all of her attention back to Warner.

Warner was eager to keep it, "She wouldn't go to the next level," he hung his head, "By this time... by this time I knew that whatever they were doing to her, it was hurting her. Sometimes she'd come to sessions and not be able to stop crying, while some days she was manic - confused. The upper brass was frustrated. I tried to tell them that we couldn't force her - I thought maybe if they thought she wasn't working out that they'd let her go."

"How much had they sunk into this project? Into River? No way they were just going to let her go," The first mate said with a disgusted shrug of her shoulders. It seemed all the women on this ship had this indefinable loyalty connected to the Captain - it was making things more difficult for Warner than he thought they needed to be.

He nodded, "I came to realize that they were just going to push until they got the result they needed or..."

"Or they killed her." The doctor's wife finished, huddling a little closer to her husband.

"Whichever came first. So, I pushed her too. I was trying to help her - you. I even tried to make it easier on you."

Reynolds took a step forward, still beyond Warner's sight, but directly in the path of River's, "And just how did you go about trying to do that?"

Warner stared at the table, "I brought in convicts... criminals - people she could hurt and _know_... because _you_ would _know_, that you were doing the 'verse a favor."

River blinked, releasing tears and Warner strained forward, "I'm so sorry River. I never - I'm so sorry. I know you can tell that I am."

The Captain moved closer, breaking the connection Warner was trying to establish and instantly commanding everyone's attention, "So - here's the situation. I couldn't care less what you want. But River's asked for the opportunity to talk to you. Maybe fill in some holes you helped tear from her." Warner tried to interrupt, but the Captain spoke over him, "I'm willing to give her that chance. But make no mistake," Reynolds voice dropped dangerously, "Your fate is not in her hands - you answer to me. You'll stay where we put you until we get to our next destination. Then we leave you there and high tail it just in case you've got ideas we don't like. You wave anyone or access the cortex for so much as a dinner recipe we put you out through the airlock and we don't look back."

Warner nodded, "Fine. All I wanted... All I want... is to see River."

Reynolds was directly behind him now, "That is all you're going to get," he murmured as he turned and walked away.

_Back to the Room:_

_For the second time in as many hours, Mal listened to River empty her heart - and memory. He could listen to it objectively now. It was easier to pay attention to the facts - the details when her eyes weren't searching his for affirmation - filled with a shame she need not carry... her breath hitching with a burden he didn't know how to ease from her._

_Simon was better at it, Mal could see. His face mirrored her pain and when tears strained against his eyes, they were released from River's. It was as if River was comforted by the sharing of her pain. Mal looked down at his hands. He'd failed her in that. He'd failed a lot of people in that way._


	6. Misdirected

**Disclaimer: These characters and this universe do not belong to me.**

**A/N: I know, I know, I'm still keeping some important things to myself. There's got to be some mystery! Be patient. Though... I admit there may be a red herring or two out there.**

To say stealing River's heart was like navigating from Yuma to Gilla wasn't giving the thief enough credit. Matthew Warner preferred to think that if anyone else had been given the task it would have been a much different story. Besides being a military trained officer and a scientifically enhanced individual, he had what no one else could have; Enough basis in truth to fool a Reader.

He _had_ been attracted to River during her time at the Academy. She had been pretty enough when she'd first come to him - nothing more than a lamb to the slaughter - but pretty and sweet looking. He hadn't expected anything special from this subject - nothing that set her apart from the other attempts. But the officials had been practically itching to see what she could do. Warner had learned later they'd had a larger stake in her than in any of the others.

The shift had happened overnight. Matthias had given her an assignment and from then on, River had changed. She had accepted her purpose, she had accepted that she was good at what she despised. And the deadly grace with which she eventually took to her assignments had changed Warner. Nothing turned him on like a dangerous woman.

It was more difficult than he expected to recapture those desires - she hardly seemed dangerous now. But he'd gotten the chance to fight her once, and that had been just enough to remind him. Enough contact to bring back the memory of endless sparring sessions where skin and pain and sweat mingled together all those years ago.

Warner hadn't gotten the respect he'd deserved then from the lab suits. They hadn't understood that as much as they tried, they couldn't make her better than him. But this helped... this seduction he was working on; oh how it helped seal those scars to have her wound around his finger. Of course, he couldn't dally with these thoughts for fear of alerting his prey - so he veiled it all in another context, another memory.

Though, at this point, Warner was starting to think the scientists had not left enough brain matter alone for River to truly utilize her own powers. There had been a couple times - two moments that had nearly stopped everything; something too near the truth had stumbled from her lips. But she didn't seem able to interpret the very visions she had once been so coveted for. And he'd been lucky - neither time had offered a witness to interpret for her. So she had turned to him, dark eyes searching his, hands grasping for contact... and each time he sent her the messages she needed for reassurance, trust, peace.

Love, ironically enough, had turned out to be his greatest ally. He needn't have bothered developing schemes to gain time alone with River. Love and hope for their pilot seemed to motivate the crew to keep their distance. Even the over-protective brother, though ever suspicious, allowed them reign.

And the need to be loved - it was River's greatest weakness. A need that Warner realized slowly, was much nearer to being met than River knew. Warner paid attention to cues, not just those from River, but from the other people on the ship, sharing the space, noticing things that unconnected meant nothing... but together implied Warner's timing had been perfect. Confusing loyalty with love was exactly what Warner was trying to build on - he didn't need any competition muddying River's decisions.

Warner had initially taken the Captain's brooding distaste for him at face value. After all, he was a threat. If Warner proved an enemy he was certainly a danger to Reynold's ship and crew. If Warner proved trustworthy he still represented a threat to the Captain in the loss of a pilot.

But as Reynolds broiled and the tension amongst the crew increased as they unconsciously picked up on it, Warner picked out the secret that perhaps no one else was aware of. Reynolds carried feelings for the poor, abused, assassin girl. Along with anger, along with fear, there was pain in the Captain's eyes when he interrupted Warner and River together - holding hands - a stolen kiss.

Again, with love as his weapon, Warner triumphed. Pride guaranteed Reynolds would take no action. He would not risk someone realizing jealousy was at the heart of his motivations.

All in all, Warner didn't have to act pleased for River's sake. The whole mission was on the brink now. He had just this one chance to get River off the boat and to Liu; to recover the girl to the master and the coin to live as the Academy had once promised him. And Warner thought his chances were good.

_Back to the morning after Simon's wedding:_

_River was tired. Not merely as a result of what she'd already gone through - mentally, physically, psychically... but because she knew, even after repeating what she'd just repeated, there was much still to discuss... much still to resolve._

_She had two men whom she cared deeply for ragged in their care for her - their concern for her. She knew she had to dig in to find the strength to put them back together again; To strengthen them so that they could carry her again. Because she would need it someday soon enough. _

_Before she met again with the plot behind her late night attempted suicide, she would have to work closely with these men. She would have to teach them what she herself had not known she could learn._

_The silence in the room threatened weighed down on her, so she put her face down on Simon's clasped hands, "You could drown in this guilt. It's time to let go. You've held me above the water too long. I can swim on my own now."_

_Simon put his lips to her temple, "I don't know if I can."_

_River smiled, "You've always been the better swimmer, Simon - you just want to hear me say it."_

_Simon smiled, his spirit releasing it's grip on her even now. River sat up, and looked away from her brother and toward the man that had saved her life everyday since the moment she'd been taken onboard his ship. _

_Mal's guilt was deeper and wider than Simon's because he chose to take responsibility for every evil committed by the government he'd failed to defeat. She wanted to touch him too, but knew how his muscles would tense at the gesture and how his mind would close. Instead she just took him in with her eyes. Every wrinkle and scar, every stubborn, iron - strong bit of him she noted and appreciated. She was so grateful. He met her look with a challenge of his own._

_"Can't hide forever." River raised her eyebrows, "We can get out from under this for good. If you're willing. If I'm worth just a bit more work."_

_"I don't make a habit of abandoning crew just for a bit of work," River felt the resentment her implication had caused and how he tried to cover it with humor, "Have you met Jayne?"_

_"But you'd stuff me away. Turn me blind for wanting the sun."_

_River loved that he accepted the way she spoke, the way that she was even when what she was wasn't easy. He sighed, "And what do you propose?"_

_River could see it, like she saw color and fog, "It will be complicated. First you have to learn to hide your thoughts."_

_Simon frowned, "Can... we do that?"_

_River shrugged, "I didn't see last night. He'd taken my hand before he'd given the trigger."_

_"Right, speaking of that," Mal took a breath full of meaning and River steeled herself for what was going to come next, "If this is going to work, it's not just the Doc here that has to let go of some guilt."_

_Simon frowned, "What do you mean?"_

_"This is important. Not just for personal reasons," Mal nodded toward River, "Did this man fool you, or did you turn away from what you saw?"_

_Simon stood up, "That's ridiculous, why would River-"_

_River stared at Mal, she didn't know why it surprised her when someone besides herself had insight. She pulled Simon back down to his chair, forced him to hear her, "You gave up so much to find me. And this one day was yours, truly yours and when the shadow came... I thought I could handle it."_

_Simon pulled his hand from River's, rubbed the fabric of his trousers and took a long breath before he spoke, "That was stupid River."_

_Mal sniffed, "I'd have to agree with the Doc on that."_

_"I won't do it again," River swallowed her embarrassment. "But I learned how he did it. And I can do it better."_

_"So, what? We practice lying to you about how we like your cooking?" Mal asked._

_"There are some things now... with Kaylee, I'd like to know were private, but I'm not sure I'd know what to lie about," Simon pondered. _

_River brushed away tears that sprang to her eyes when they both accepted her word so easily, "It doesn't have to be a lie. You just need to hide the truth in something else close."_

_She saw the two men share a glance - a pact made between them - that they were going to protect her, no matter what. Particularly no matter what River had to say about it. River tried not to roll her eyes; she loved them both._

_River continued, "He'll send a seducer. He'll send someone sure that he can lure me away from Serenity."_

_Mal grunted, "He can send as many baboons asses as he wants, I've got plenty of bullets."_

_"We only need one baboon. Not to shoot. To use."_

_River felt both Simon and Mal get it at once. Simon's whole mind brightened, "He'll lead us back to whoever sent him."_

_River nodded at Mal, "Then, we use the bullets."_


	7. Lies

**Title: Lies**

**Disclaimer: Not owned by me, no infringement intended.**

** A/N: Thank you for all your responses!  
**

"He's my brother, I can't just leave him-"

"He is afraid of you, you must feel that."

River swallowed hard, memories of Simon's doubts to trickle from her mind, "I have a job - the Captain..."

"Is using you," Warner pressed his lips against her forehead, his hands clasping hers tightly, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry to be pushing you, but you know as well as I do there isn't any time." River whimpered softly and Warner kissed her lips, "We'll be landing in a few hours - you know they'll throw me out as soon as we touch earth. I'll never be able to see you again. You know they won't allow it."

River felt his heart pounding against her ear, her mind spinning with the consequences of her choices - what it would mean to leave... to start again. She nodded her head just slightly. He picked up on it, of course he would have to. He took her face into his hands and kissed her again, "I have an uncle - a rich uncle on Moya. We can leave now - take the shuttle-"

"Steal the shuttle?"

Warner smiled, "Borrow it. They'll be able to find it no worse for wear. Listen - I just need to get a wave to my uncle - he'll put money in my account - money enough to get us away, to give us a start."

River looked around her, her breath coming in shallow. She reached out toward Serenity's hull, "Home-" Tears rolled down her cheeks.

"Prison." Warner wiped the tears away, his hands on her jaw, her neck, "We can make a real home together, River. I'm not afraid of you." It was true, River could sense it clearly, what would it be like to be truly free. He searched her face, "But it's your choice. It has to be your choice."

River couldn't bring herself to say the words, so she nodded her head again, once, with as much conviction as she could summon. Warner didn't need more. He grabbed her hand and they rushed to the shuttle together. River was the one who opened the door and started powering up. She flipped on the computer and looked back at Warner, "Wave your uncle."

Warner sat in the co-pilot's chair, "The Captain?"

"I've signed in as myself - he can't know from where and he will not check," She paused, "He trusts me."

Warner glanced at her even as he started entering information, "As he would trust anyone who follows orders like you do, River. He doesn't care about you."

River turned to finish prepping the guidance system,"Do you have a destination in mind?"

Warner nodded, sent her the coordinates in his mind as he typed; A flawless, simple communication.

"And we'll be able to cut loose from the ship without any trouble?"

River nodded absently, "Yes, I told you, it's pre-set."

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Warner look over and, without precursor or hesitation, speak the safe phrase - the first trigger they'd ever installed in her. Without delay, River slumped lifelessly, hitting the control panel before dropping unceremoniously to the ground.

She took herself to space... to emptiness where there was no one and nothing. She didn't feel the blood pulsing at her cheek where her face had hit the metal. She didn't bother with the idea of betrayal or pain or fear... _because she knew he would be looking_ - searching with his mind as well as his eyes. She drifted in nothing as she'd practiced and just as they'd practiced together, just at the right time, one thought from one man penetrated the between.

River opened her eyes, time for Act Two.

_Back to the room after the wedding, _

_Not one of them had started out running on a full tank. Now, the three of them were barely running on fumes. Mal growled in frustration and stopped the pacing he'd taken to to keep himself upright, "Enough. We need rest. This ain't happening tomorrow...right?"_

_Mal looked to River for verification. She didn't look tired as much as empty. Hovering between now and whatever future she could - would try to - discern. Mal waited for her eyes to focus on him, she answered, "Right."_

_"Then there's just one thing we've still got to deal with now."_

_Simon lifted his head out of his hands, "What's that?"_

_"All this planning is going to mean nothing if they can trigger you to do something like ... what happened last night," Mal rubbed his hands together, "How can we protect you from whispers?"_

_Simon closed his eyes and put his head back in his hands, "River," his voice was muffled so he sat up back against his chair, "As much as you don't like the Captain's plan to keep you away from... society - you may have to accept that it's the only way -"_

_"But, don't you see,"River looked between them as if they'd been sleeping during a lecture, "I broke it. They didn't know I could break her. Their weapon. She's me now. Can't trigger me."_

_Mal felt a surge of energy run through him at the idea of this hurdle crossed, too good to be true. He stared intently at River as if her meaning would be there on her face, "You're... her - er - the... say that again?"_

_"All a trigger is is a hypnotic suggestion which bypasses my mind - River's mind," She said pedantically, "and goes directly to a part of my mind that I don't control - that part of my brain was used to make me a weapon."_

_Simon and Mal nodded in unison._

_River nodded back, "When I fought against the trigger, I reached out to the Weapon, I broke the barrier in my brain. When I said I remember everything. I meant... I remember everything. Both my memories I couldn't find and the memories of when River was asleep and the Weapon was triggered. I am only me now. No hidden messages, no secrets."_

_Mal frowned in concentration, "But - when you broke in here you already had the safe word, but you were still trying pretty damn hard to off yourself."_

_"I was already triggered - the order had to be resolved."_

_Mal shook his head, "Seems like you're bandying tenses here."_

_Simon stood up,"River, lay down on the bed. We'll test it out."_

_"No," Mal tensed, "Look, Doc, I've already wrestled with her once tonight - I'm not sure I'd walk away from a second try."_

_Simon shook his head, "No,we'll just use the safe word. The original safe word. I just don't want her to hit her head or something if she falls."_

_"But I tried that earlier and it didn't work anyway."_

_"See?" River said triumphantly._

_Mal rounded on her, "No, I do not see. We can't test this theory out."_

_"We don't need to," River insisted._

_Simon shook his head, "We should."_

_Mal held up both hands, "All right. Hold on - the safe word on your arms... would that still work?"_

_"No. Triggers won't work."  
_

_"I mean," Mal inclined his head, his teeth grinding together,"If you are wrong about the triggers not working anymore, would that trigger hypothetically work?"_

_"Yes."_

_Mal hung his head, "Okay. Here goes." He looked over at River and repeated the phrase. She blinked. Mal frowned at her, "You're not lying - it wouldn't only work if the self-destruct was on..."_

_River sighed, "Possibly."_

_Mal turned away, "Doc, I'm going to strangle your sister."_

_Simon ignored him,"Okay, let's just think this through. If you know all the triggers, you know what the self-destruct one was," Simon turned to his medicine bag. "You won't lie about that, so we test  
with that one," He turned back with a syringe, "And we'll have both the new safe word and the sedative to make sure... no one gets hurt."_

_Simon looked to Mal for confirmation. Mal wasn't feeling good about this. He sighed deeply. Simon made an exasperated, helpless gesture with his hands, "Do you have any better ideas?"  
_

_Mal glared at him, "Nope. Let's do it." _

_River glared at the needle, "This is so unnecessary."_


	8. Unmatched

**Title: Mismatched**

**A/N: Umm. No note except I'm getting tired of action. Expect some mulling over things in chapters to come.**

"Well, isn't that a clever trick." Enclosed, alone, Warner had been cued by River's sudden alertness almost immediately.

She slid her gaze up to his face and had just a moment to loathe the sight of him before she had to roll to avoid a boot in her stomach. She rolled again and found her feet.

Warner smiled, "You going to fight me River?"

River didn't have time to answer - he came after her. It was the same as the night in town. Every move she used, he'd taught her. He anticipated her, neutralized her. With each assault she retreated closer to the door.

She caught at the lock but was hauled away, "You never could seem to get it in your head that you can't beat me." She went for him then, though she seemed slow in comparison and sluggish; her vision blurred momentarily as his elbow connected with her jaw. He laughed as he deflected her punch and slammed her against the door of the shuttle, his forearm against her throat, "All the meddling they did with your mind can't compensate for an eighty pound weight advantage... unless you are faster than your opponent." River struggled for breath, clawed at his arm, but he was immovable, "Which, you are not."

River didn't answer, didn't try, she twisted her arm behind her and forced the door of the shuttle open. They both toppled onto the grates of the catwalk over the bay. River scrambled backwards, regaining her breath while Warner brushed off his hands and smiled wryly.

"And what now?" He advanced a step, "You don't honestly think you could stay here? They'll know you deserted - they'll know you were going to come away with me. Do you think your Captain will take you back? After you disobeyed? After giving away a part of his ship?"

River scuttled farther back as he crept closer, "Face it, River, you're trapped, you know it. Come with me," Warner was all amiability again, "You can escape Liu - you could escape anywhere with what I talk you. You can still start over, just like you wanted."

River's hands hit the stairs, she'd reached the end of her path and her patience. The time had come. Mal was pissed off already anyway. Granted, on surveillance she probably looked worse than she felt and he could hardly know she'd suffered far worse at the hands of Warner's training daily; after surgery, that had added particular insult to great injury.

Warner hesitated. Some waft of the change in her attitude had reached him. He sneered, aimed to break her confidence, "You know the other reason you could never beat me?"

"Because you would use the safe word if I came close?" River asked innocently.

"No!" Warner faltered again, breathed, "Because you could never handle the blood on your hands. Too prim and proper to fight. You never cared about anything enough to sacrifice for it. I will always beat you River, because you're weak!"

River stood up, "And you, Matthew, lost your venom three years ago."

Warner frowned for a second and swallowed passed a dry mouth, switched tactics, "River. If you don't come with me now, I will punish you. I will hurt these people. You're rusty. You won't be able to stop me." Sensing no argument from her, Warner took a step closer, "You wouldn't want to be the cause of your brother's suffering...or... is it the Captain that would break you now?"

River drew herself up to her full height, "Enough," she said. And then, she was on him - a fury. He had hardly oriented himself to her attack when he tasted blood in his mouth, pain in his chest. The shock of her speed, the difference in her fighting style shook him clear off his game. Out of instinct, rather than training, he retreated until he was free of her.

Warner shook his head and checked his nose for broken bones. He laughed softly, "I take it... you're beginning to better remember the extent of our time together."

River smiled serenely, "This isn't about you," and she struck again. But, though Warner was ready this time, he had no greater success. For each hit he'd scored in the shuttle, River repaid it threefold. Every time he tried to regroup she shut him down - keeping him busy, not letting him dwell long enough to understand. She was still waiting for one more signal.

When Warner started retreating down the stairs toward the bay, he was limping and fairly sure his wrist was broken. He whistled, out of breath, "I have to admit, you're turning me on here. Maybe... I should keep you for myself after all."

River followed him down the stairs, shook her head sadly, "Now, now, we both know that isn't possible, Matthew. The funds have already been transferred, there's no going back now."

Warner nearly fell as he stumbled down the last few steps. He frowned at her, his mind working. River felt _them_ gather before Warner did. The heartbeats of those she loved. She dropped the pretense from her mind, stopped shielding him from the thoughts of her crew. No more lies. No more pretense.

The whole charade hit Warner all at once, in one lump revelation, "Why you little -"

Warner came at her with a growl, for the first time causing her to work, though still no match for her speed. While his mind and body were a storm of anger, River was completely calm, the eye of the hurricane. It was only a dance, though the moves were clear to her only a few moments before they were called. Still, there was no point wasting any more time.

She jabbed him maliciously in the windpipe, "You're trapped now aren't you Matthew? Liu will expect the prize for the payment. Though I suppose," River grabbed his arm as he went for her again and pulled it around, then twisted until his knees as well as his face was against the grate, "you could legitimately claim that the funds went missing not moments after they arrived. But then, I don't think Liu will have much sympathy for that. And the government... well you can't go back there. There's been a tip, you see... a tip about how you helped their multi-million dollar science project escape."

Warner was swearing as the crew filtered into the cargo bay, taking positions and training guns on Matthew Warner. He struggled against her grip, shocked that he was in this position, at her feet - going over and over how neatly he'd been tricked. She' let him see it all. How she'd opened a rigged cortex - set so that someone from the crew could track his keystrokes, his account number, his password, his message to Liu, the coordinates of the meeting place, the amount of the rest of the ransom. Warner stopped struggling.

River leaned down close to his ear and whispered, "I have your blood already, and will take your life and Liu's and anyone who threatens my family, my crew, my Captain or my home. I will fight, I will win, be aware."

"River!" Mal's voice cut through their little tableau as his boots stomped closer against the metal, "Since when does 'stall him' mean 'let him use you as a punching bag'?"

River twisted Warner's arm tighter, "I was improvising. You took longer than I expected to finish transferring the loot."

"Is that a shot?" Mal gestured over his shoulder, "It was Kaylee typing - she's got little fingers."

Kaylee's voice filtered out from over Jayne's shoulder, "I heard that Captain."

Mal didn't seem to hear her, however. He reached out a gentle finger, smeared the blood from under River's eye and shook his head without comment. He squatted down so that he could look Warner in the eye, "You're going to tell us more about the guy that sent you."

Warner's eye was swollen half shut already, "And why would I do that?"

Mal raised his eyebrows, "What? Oh, because we're going to drug the hell out of you."

Mal gestured to Simon who tossed Mal the truth cocktail he'd mixed up based on River's instructions, "See, we couldn't get the coordinates or the account number out of you if your mind was all fuzzy with drug, but River is confident that she won't need you very coherent to pick up the rest of what she needs."

Fifteen minutes later, Warner was sprawled, numb, but conscious on the floor of the cargo bay, restrained in the manner of rabid livestock three times his size. Simon was patching River up in the cockpit while Kaylee cooed over both of them. Jayne, Zoe, Mal and Inara stayed where they were in the bay, waiting.

River's voice came over the speaker, "They're here. Docking in three. Simon is on his way."

Mal nodded to no one in particular and headed back to Warner, "I suppose you'd like to know what we're planning for you."

Warner nodded, too doped for pride.

"You may have noticed we're close to Mercury Two. Just so happens there's a mental hospital there River recommended to us as a suitable drop off for you."

"I'm not insane."

"Maybe not," Mal cocked his head, "But seems your DNA has recently been tied to someone who is. River's a whiz at computers you know, especially passwords and records that need changing. Your old identity is still there, but, just so you know, attached to a rather ominous looking arrest warrant. But even so... I bet you're thinking, after the drugs we give you wear off," Mal looked up as Simon and Kaylee came forward, "You'll be able to get yourself out of this."

Simon looked down at Warner in disgust, stuck another syringe into Warner's arm, "Of course, that may take a while considering the medical regimen we're suggesting they keep you on... for your own safety, of course."

"It's nice having a doctor on board, I guess I've got you to thank for that," Mal shrugged, "The real question is, if you'll last long enough to get through to someone."

"Captain!" Warner wet his cracked lips, croaked so only Mal could hear, "You take her like you want to - and you make her a common whore."

Mal edged dangerously closer, "Much as I'd take pleasure in killin' you Warner, you ain't going to goad me into it. Your ride is here."

Everyone's attention shifted to the door as a thundering sound signaled the secure docking of another ship.

Warner saw the men in white coats walk into the bay - had just enough time to feel fear as he recognized the leader before the final dose of hallucinogens took him into spiraling blackness.

Simon walked forward, his electronic chart in hand, to greet the Doctor flanked with several large orderlies, "Doctor Schroeder, thank you for answering my plea."

The older man had a look about him that said he had seen more than he cared to, lived longer than he would have bothered to. His days were were there to be used up and thrown out. The only thing about him that held some spark of life, of power, was his eyes. He looked around and took in everything from the crew to the detained man, saw more, it was obvious, than he was intended to see.

"This is most uncommon. Most abnormal," He said while his men checked the DNA swab of Warner.

Simon managed to look sympathetic without apologizing, "Yes, Sir, I agree. You'll see my notes are in order."

The man glanced over the notes, raised his eyebrows at several different passages, "It seems you've done all you could by the book." He signaled his men to take Warner. Before following, however Schroeder said warily, "If I find out there is anything untoward going on here, Dr-"

"Tam." Simon supplied unflinching.

Schroeder narrowed his eyes, "Tam..."

Simon inclined his head, "I'm not surprised the name is familiar to you. Your son went to the same school as my sister. I confess, that is why I requested your involvement in this matter," Simon paused, his voice softened, "I'm... sorry for your loss."

Schroeder opened his mouth to reply, but no sound came. He took in a sharp breath as River walked through the threshold to the cargo bay. It was as if the rest of the people did not exist, as if she were walking through time itself to reach him. No one moved but the dangerous beauty herself.

The old doctor had tears in his eyes as she took hold of his shaking hands, "I was sure they had killed you, little dancer."

River shook her head, "They learned much from your loss." Then, she raised up to her tip toes and began to speak softly in his ear.

Though the rest of the crew could hear only shadowed words, the old man's emotion, his head bent as he listened fervently, thickened the very air. Tears were streaming unguarded down Kaylee and Inara's cheeks. Jayne fidgeted uncomfortably until Zoe put a hand on his arm to still him. Simon and Mal stood a few feet away, at either side of River, looking weary, but resolute.

Finally, after what seemed an age, River stood back. Dr. Schroeder seemed to take longer to emerge from the connection. Slowly, as he released a long, labored breath, he leaned down and kissed River on the forehead. When he looked up, he'd changed. His posture had renewed strength, his face was set with determination and his eyes were piercing... this was not a man who'd lost his purpose, this was a man that had gained one. When he surveyed the crew again, he saw none of them.

He turned on his heel, and returned to his ship.

Mal let a moment settle around them before following in the doctor's footsteps and closing the bay door.

He turned to River, "You ready?"

River was still staring after Hughes, "Yes."

"Then, come on, Darlin', we've got an appointment to keep."

In the quiet that followed River and Mal's departure in the shuttle, Inara approached Simon, "His son was at the Academy?"

Simon took in a breath, "Yes. Schroeder was a surgeon for the program."

Kaylee gasped and put her arm around Simon's waist, "He cut into his own son's brain?"

Simon pulled her closer, "He had no idea of the damage. His son was the first subject... Died on the table. Schroeder was forced out and buried here when he started protesting the treatment of the students."

Inara frowned, "But, he'll know Warner is who he says he is. He'll recognize him and-"

Simon glanced at Inara, who's expression had changed as she'd caught on. He nodded, "We're counting on him recognizing Warner for exactly who he is."

Zoe nodded with approval, "Justice isn't always pretty."

Jayne whistled, and followed Zoe to the cockpit, muttering, "Yeah, but I think the moral of this story is don't piss off the Tams."

_Back to the morning after Simon's wedding:_

_"Hope you're satisfied," River said, tossing Mal's shirt over the side of the bed lazily and wrapping his sheets around her, "Must sleep now."_

_Mal and Simon stood at the end of the bed. As if her words were a cue they turned to each other. Mal ran a hand through his hair, "You go back to Kaylee, Doc. I can hold things down here."_

_Simon nodded, "Thank you, if you're sure. Kaylee will be..." Simon snorted, "I'd better get going."_

_Mal turned, half asleep already, moved the chair that blocked the doorway, and held the door open, "Best take the day to be with her. I don't need a cranky engineer tossing things around on my ship. I'll stay with River. You don't have to worry."_

_Simon turned and looked at Mal thoughtfully, "I don't anymore, you know... not when she's with you."_

_Mal met his look sharply, but finally, too tired to fight, he nodded - accepted it. Then he turned back and stared at the girl taking up half his bed and most of his bedding. _

_He stripped off his boots and shed his over-shirt, and took a good hard drink before, carefully as he could, climbing into the bed beside his pilot. Feeling silly, but determined none the less, Mal went to sleep on his back, his arms crossed over his chest and his eyes fixed firmly on the ceiling until sleep quickly claimed him. _


	9. Storms

**Title: Storms**

**Disclaimer: This universe is not owned by me and I have no right to it. **

River felt odd: Thrumming with quiet. It wasn't a satisfactory description, she knew, which was why she didn't voice it, though Mal's mind searched silently for the answer several times since they'd set their course back to Serenity:_ Is she okay?_

The information had not come as a shock to her, it had been the influence of the messengerwhich had made it so difficult to hear. She had not wanted this man to be a part of her, she had not wanted to be a part of the scientific machine that had cut into her so deeply. But what was, _was_. And what was done, _done_.

Mal was trying to give her time, accepting without judgment that she may need to resolve it all to herself before she was able to share the scars that had been ripped open and mended over all in the course of a few hours. He'd been there, after all. And his patience with her, for her was as wide and deep and beautiful as space. She'd never thought of patience as a kindness before Mal had given it to her.

Ideally, River would have preferred to pilot. It would have kept occupied this part of her mind that went around and around with... nothing. River sighed - so strange to feel this emptiness, this lack of connection with what she'd ended tonight.

Mal would have indulged her, though he still fret over her bruises and tears, he would have trusted her with the controls. However, River knew it would have driven them both to distraction: Mal to have to sit silently by with no purpose but to wonder over her mental and emotional state and River having to listen to the non-stop stream of worry through the air they shared.

So River sat in the _other _chair, her battered knees drawn up to her chest staring out into the black while Mal was the picture of strength and calm. River turned her face away from him, let the thoughts that slipped from him flow to and through her. It wasn't an invasion, she simply had no barriers left and these wisps of him gave her solid ground on which to focus her mind.

He was worried. River understood. He'd seen her much closer to the assassin they'd made her than he'd ever witnessed before... and he'd seen the other side as well - the tearful little girl that had come to them long ago; coming to Liu this time for explanations she'd been searching for her whole life - and for closure.

She'd known that would require killing him. But she'd hesitated. He'd talked, oh how willingly he'd told her how the project staff had found Simon and encouraged her parents to try again - this time with some... scientific help to intensify the results. A gift to the project they'd been in their naive hopes of glory; A gift to the project River had been in her pride and vanity and ego - accepting unquestioning the unnaturalness of her abilities.

Liu had followed her every move from birth. She remembered him now, of course - an uncle that came to call with no clear tie to their relations, a man whose visits had always caused tension in the house and the hairs on the back of her neck to rise.

His involvement in her life had quickly turned to hungry obsession, which Matthew Warner had picked up on. And exploited. He'd helped River escape, all right; with the intention of picking her right back up and blackmailing Liu for every brick he owned.

Liu loved her; in his own words, as a father and a soul mate. The intensity had distorted with absence, with imagination- so much so he'd been prepared to kill her - just to finally possess her. He'd hired the man to trigger her at Simon's wedding. River had seen the dark sludge in his mind turn and excite as he'd recalled waiting for the call that his man had her body a year ago - how he'd planned to follow her to death... uniting them forever. Then with bright, thirsty eyes fixed on her, he'd recounted how he'd been given renewed hope with the idea of sending Warner after her; how it had all worked out more beautifully than he could have planned.

And this is why her trigger finger held steady. Liu desperately wanted her to kill him. If he could not have her alive, he would attach himself to her in death, as her victim, as a shade among the shadows for the rest of her life. Still, she could not leave him alive...

She didn't hear the shot - she saw Liu slump, felt in her mind a sort of wailing frustration, failure as his life was yanked to silence. River frowned, she hadn't even felt the kick from the gun. And finally, with Liu's demented presence shattered and dissolving she'd felt Mal again; His grim determination and the smoke coming from his gun.

He'd only needed one shot, though he kept the gun level just in case for a moment before looking over to River. What he had read in her face at the moment, even River did not know. But she knew he had misunderstood.

In the moment that their eyes met, his heart was open to her. She could see it all as clearly as if it had been printed for her. He'd gone in with her fully expecting that it would be a bullet from his gun and not from hers to finish this man off. He had prepared himself long before he'd fired his weapon that she would resent it, would feel betrayed, angry. He'd brooded and worried since the night of Simon's wedding how intense the voice she'd recited had been in it's obsession with her - whoever had filled her head with those words would love and hate her beyond all comprehension and there had been no way he was going to leave her vulnerable to it... him. Mal believed she would harbor remorse for the death of this eccentric, horrible man... Mal believed she would doubt his intentions, judge his decisions, hate his actions... She still found it amazing how little he expected of her heart.

But there had been no time for explanations. The guards had heard the shot, had felt trouble brewing minutes earlier. All three had connected to Liu the first phase of the project, like Warner. They would be coming. Not for revenge or loyalty to their fallen employer; but for the chance to fight and kill River Tam.

And at that moment, River didn't mind the chance to use her skills. She took them on with relief, using every blow, every move as an opportunity to release what was building in her. She took their ambition, their greed, their ego, she echoed it against them and sent it away from her. She'd never had a fight in which her emotions were so blended with the pain she felt... the pain she inflicted.

She hadn't gotten away unscathed, but they hadn't gotten away at all. She hadn't necessarily needed to kill them, but she had... there would be no more loose ends. No one to knife them in the back as they made their escape, she would take no more chances from her past. And Mal had seen. And for the first time, she had not been able to read his face.

She searched his profile now. Underneath the layer of worry that filtered all his thoughts there was rest. There was peace in him like there hadn't been for a very long time. River closed her eyes thoughtfully, sought the unsettling quiet feeling in her mind now and compared it to what she felt from him. River opened her eyes in surprise, looked at Mal as if he may have seen the embarrassing realization dawn in her mind. The shadow behind her, her mind her own, her course set for Serenity, River felt peace.

_Morning after the Wedding_:

_Not having the advantage of one of Simon's sedatives, Mal did awake to the knock on his door. He opened one eye to see the morning sun still trickling through the blinds...which meant it had not progressed far enough in the sky for it to be acceptable that he was conscious. _

_He stumbled to the door, knocked the chair away with a grumpy kick, and opened the door a crack prepared to send the offender to the third level of Hell. Inara greet him with a smile, looking more beautiful, more perfect than she had ever looked. She laughed softly, "You look like you've had quite a night!"_

_Mal blinked at her, his mind too bleary and his muscles too sore to respond properly._

_"I thought you might like to join me for a walk to breakfast. Kaylee says the proprietor down the road sets an excellent table."_

_Mal let the breath leave him, opened the door just slightly more to avoid being rude, "Ah, thank you. I - I've.. I'll have to take a rain check. But-"_

_"Oh. Well. Okay, I didn't mean to disturb-"_

_Mal shifted, uncomfortable with his sudden need to hide whom laid in his bed. But, too late, Mal realized that while he was blocking her access into the room well enough, she now had a fairly good view into it under the arm he was using to keep the door half - closed. Mal swore as her dark eyes changed abruptly; he looked back to see what she was seeing. The room was a mess, no less, certainly than Mal himself, and in sleep the sheets had shifted around River and quite an expanse of smooth thigh was visible amongst the well tousled linens. Mal swallowed hard, taking a moment before he turned back to Inara, "No. Nope. No way."_

_Inara nodded very carefully, and looked Mal hard in the eye, "Quite a night."_

_"I'm telling you it is not what you think." She rolled her eyes and shook her head at him. _

_"Oh, Mal." _

_Mal saw the tears in her eyes - could have drawn her into the room and forced her to believe him, convinced her to listen to him, but he was bone - weary of letting his character take beating after beating for things he wasn't sorry for, "I'm not defending myself to you 'Nara. I haven't done any wrong here."_

_"Of course you haven't," Inara refused to meet his eyes this time, "You're a man and she was there - worshiping you like you wish everyone -" Mal drew himself up, the warning in his eye, in his stance, clear. Her tone deepened earnestly, "Mal, how could you - haven't you seen the way she looks at you? Follows you as if you hold the keys to the universe? You've taken advantage of a poor, love-sick girl for one night of reckless passion-"_

_Mal could feel the blood gathering at his temples, the wounds he'd sustained last night from the so-called love sick girl, which Inara seemed not to notice, throbbed with his temper. He held up a hand, "Before you say something else you might regret later, I'm going to shut this door. If you want to continue later- after I've slept a day or two, I'll be at your disposal. But right now I'm just too damn tired."_

_He closed the door with a distinct bang, the impact of which was only slightly marred by the fact that the door wouldn't stay closed and it took him some moments of fiddling to get the chair back in place, "My God, Mal, what happened to your door?"_

_Mal glared at the door separating him from the woman he had once wanted more anyone else in the world, he spat "Passion!" Mal sighed, kept going loudly, "Just like you said, Inara, a night of reckless gorram passion-"_

_He rounded away from he door only to jump at another thudding sound. He let out a string of curses that would have made his drill sergeant blush. River, still drugged and tangled in sheets had stumbled out of bed wobbling on her legs trying to get her footing like a newborn foal. Her eyes wide, she whispered, "Inara! Coming here. I'll hide... she'll think... she won't like it."_

_Mal dragged his hands down his face, "Yeah, even I got that." River ignored him, looking around - the wardrobe was too small, the watercloset folded in - when her eyes fixed on the window Mal yelled loudly enough to make River jump guiltily, "River, you go near that window and I'll have you cleaning Jayne's bunk for a month, get the hell back in bed!"_

_River looked at him, her bottom lip quivered, "She's already been here. I'm sorry. I'm so -"_

_Mal pointed a finger at her, "Stop apologizing for the wrong damn things." River was still frozen, a trembling statue, Mal pointed toward the bed, "Now get back in bed until those drugs wear off. You don't have to sleep, but I sure as hell am and I don't want you wandering around without me, dong ma?"_

_River took an unsteady step toward the bed, let herself collapse on it. She covered herself with a sheet and lay obediently still. Mal nodded authoritatively and followed. He grabbed the blanket she'd cast aside some time during their sleep and covered up, determined to be comfortable this time just to spite the 'verse and everyone in it._

_to be continued... _

**A/N: Hope you don't feel cheated on the 2nd hand action account. I needed some quiet time ;). And I left out a plot point from the last chapter and fit it in here. Will revise to fit in previous chapter when I've archived it. Thank you, thank you for the reviews - they give me such a boost.**


	10. Inner Compass

**Title: Inner Compass**

**A/N: Hopefully when this is done everything will connect quite nicely in past and present. I appreciate you sticking with me on it until it does!**

**Disclaimer: I have no ownership or rights to this universe, even though I love it so. **

It would take several weeks before the pilgrimage Simon needed to make would be convenient. The bounty stolen from Warner's account had gone a long way to ease stress on the ship, but they were still a working crew and jobs were still too scarce to turn down when it would take plenty of fuel to get where Simon wanted to go.

But it seemed the time had been good for them all. He certainly couldn't remember a time when life on Serenity had been more pleasant. Even before Miranda, if the crew were happy, he had had River constantly heavy on his mind and heart. Back then, he had been a tightly bound mess of fear. Fear for River's safety and her health, fear that the crew would discover the purpose of her training at the Academy and his own inability to guarantee her stability, fear that the Alliance would track them down or Mal would tire of the complications they represented.

But now River was sane, safe, healthy. Kaylee was no longer a forbidden gift he would not allow himself to indulge in - she was his wife and for the first time, she did not have to accept second place in his priorities. Jayne was happy to have his own account flush again and Mal not jumping down everyone's throats to conserve protein packs. Zoe was content because her Captain was content because that was simply how it was between them.

And one of the inspirations of Mal's contentment seemed to be sitting at the same table with Simon, sorting through a stack of papers just as Simon was. Simon watched Inara for a moment. Of anyone on the crew, she was the most outwardly changed - infused with purpose and excitement over planning her wedding.

It had all happened very quickly after the night River confronted Liu. As soon as Simon had led River to the infirmary to inspect her battle scars he'd noted Mal being led aside by Inara. Whatever was spoken between them - the next day the news had been delivered... Inara had accepted the long-standing offer of engagement from one of her regular customers: a wealthy and well - respected land developer on a beautiful green planet.

The wedding would be as lavish as the life they most certainly would be leading. Inara looked up and smiled softly at Simon who returned the smile then returned his attention to his own papers. Simon would have expected a moody and cantankerous reaction from the Captain, but oddly enough, there seemed to have been a wedge removed between the two star-crossed... whatever they were. In fact, Mal was practically sensitive to Inara's needs as she planned. The work he'd found had been specifically charted around the appointment scheduled by her fiancee: the date she would leave Serenity.

Simon heard Mal's voice heading toward them and, out of the corner of his eye, caught Inara stiffen and, if he wasn't mistaken, intentionally relax before Mal's hulking form passed by them, acknowledging them with a nod as he continued whatever argument he was carrying on with River. River followed in his wake, a comically slim and graceful contrast to her opponent - though if Simon recognized the dark look in her eye, Mal had picked the losing side again.

Simon watched after the two of them thoughtfully. He'd noticed the way River looked the Captain... Since the very beginning she'd watched him. But Simon had assumed then it was because she didn't trust him... wasn't sure if they were safe on his ship. Then, after the dust had settled from Miranda and River and Mal had been the last two standing, Simon had recognized something else in her eyes and, until now, he'd refused to name it. After all, as long as Inara was on the boat, he couldn't imagine the Captain...

Simon glanced sharply back over at Inara, who remained immersed in her own future. Simon closed his eyes briefly, focused on taking a deep and calming breath. He would never truly let go of the feeling that he had to look after his sister, but this would certainly be the ultimate exercise to watch her choose... Simon took another breath then forced his mind away from that line of thought and back to his task at hand, matters that most definitely did concern him: whether or not his parents deserved a relationship with their children. He was sorting through years of correspondence, trying to get a handle on Regan and Gabriel Tam, people he'd grown up thinking of as loving, wonderful parents. People he now thought of as proud, unyielding, and inexcusably blind at best. At worst... well, that was more difficult to articulate. Armed with as much objectivity as he could muster, he was trying to piece together a realistic view; to marry the good memories with the damning before he talked to them; Before he confronted them with whom they may have sent after River and decided if he would sever ties with them forever.

Simon sighed heavily, he was simply afraid if they had no new account of the facts, his whole childhood would slip away from him... nothing more than a dream or a mirage.

_Morning after the Wedding:_

_When Mal awoke again, the light through the shades was more insistent and the girl beside him was watching him curiously, "What?" Mal was still sore, still feeling slightly sorry that he'd yelled at River, still feeling slightly annoyed that he'd risen to Inara's bait, but generally rested and that made him generally content.  
_

_River's head rested on her arm, her long hair tousled with sleep looked softer somehow in the filtered light, "I don't worship you."_

_Mal sighed, "Well, good morning to you too."_

_"I think you are stubborn and difficult."_

_"Hey," Mal turned toward her slightly, "You ain't exactly the picture of easy going either." _

_She gave him the ghost of a smile,"I also happen to respect you as the most honorable and brave of men. Your strength and your courage shine brighter than you could possibly understand or hide. I am not the only one on your crew that owe you my life - you've redeemed us - given us dignity and honor as well," River took a sad breath, "She blinds herself to protect herself. And she refuses her -" _

_"What she refuses or not, little River, is not on your account," Mal put his hand on her hair, just to feel it, just to thank her for her unwavering loyalty. Her little speech cut him to his core. Though he knew she must see him for all that he was not, though he knew how hard it must be for her to trust anyone, though she was anything but blind and anything but powerless, she submitted to him simply because it was his right. She humbled and scared him and he appreciated her more than he could possibly tell her._

_"I don't mean to scare you. Did tell you there was no worship," she whispered, mildly indignant.  
_

_ Mal's lip curled, not thinking twice at the mind reading, "Wasn't that sort of fear, River. Never was scared of you - just scared of what they could make you to do." River nodded sadly and Mal felt the tug deep in his chest. Almost without thinking his fingers curled slightly against her neck and pulled her face to his. Almost still dreaming... almost not fully aware of his intent, his lips touched hers and he was pulsing with the knowledge of it. She wasn't just a discarded experiment, she wasn't just the pilot of his ship, she was bright and warm and beautiful but, when it came to the point that a decision had to be made, Mal was already pulling away. _

_There was a moment where his mind was numb, unwilling or unable to let reality come back to him. But it did. And it swamped him with guilt. Completely disgusted with his weakness, Mal shook his head slightly and sat up, dragging his legs off the bed and resting his head in his hands, "Maybe Inara sees more than you give her credit for."_

_He heard the rustle of fabric and felt her weight settle beside him. He looked warily at her, not even trying to find something to say to defend himself, to apologize. She smiled softly at him, "The wedge between you and she has nothing to do with me, neither can I shift it for you. But I promise I will not add to it. I owe you both much more than that."_

_"River-"_

_River rose fluidly, "I would like to freshen up in my own room and put on clothes not soaked with blood." _

_Mal wavered between relief that she was letting it go and anxiety over what he'd done; what he still wanted to do, "I need you to stay close today..."_

_"I'll return to Serenity directly, wave you when I get there," She removed the chair propped against the door and moved it aside._

_"I had promised a rec day."_

_"It will be for me... on Serenity," River said turning back wryly, "Besides, the proprietor is on his way to question you about the damage to his door, and I'd rather not join you for that conversation."_

_Mal shook his head with a curse and let all the air out of his lungs at once. He couldn't seem to refill them very easily. He looked up at her, misery in his eyes._

_Her hand rested against her cheek on the edge of the door as looked at him wistfully, "Nothing and no one would take me away from you. I wish you could trust that... and also not be so afraid of it."_

_And with that, she slipped away.  
_


	11. Understandings

**Title: Understandings  
**

**A/N: This took a while to decide POV etc, next chapter shouldn't take so long. **

Regan Tam loved the market fair. She looked forward to the local presentation every month... all month. She researched what would be on display and which designers had potential. In the weeks preceding the sale, she walked through her house imagining a new piece of furniture here or an art installation there; it helped distract her from the boredom that had gradually seeped into her life.

Her eye caught the flash of a blue glass orb that she had no interest in buying, found herself staring at it -ignoring the anxious and hovering artist. Simon's favorite color had been blue... Regan tossed her hair, felt a tingle at the back of her neck and looked over her shoulder curiously. Nothing - she should have learned not to pay attention to those... intuitions long ago. Regan shook off the feeling and looked around for her husband.

Gabriel, currently discussing the price of the table she'd wanted with the proprietor, was looking well. Even while haggling, Gabriel always seemed a bit looser, a bit more like the man he had been _before_ during these market trips... Before...

Regan felt the prickling on her arms again and this time, when she turned around she caught a young woman watching her from about fifteen feet away. Regan was afraid to blink, and, no matter what her mind told her, Regan knew with a certainty only a mother can have that she was staring at her daughter.

Regan opened her mouth, but no sound came out. She reached out beside her, as if Gabriel would have seen as well, as if he was certainly right beside her. When her hand grasped someone's arm, she knew again, at once, that she was touching her own flesh and blood. She turned from the vision that was River to look up into her son's dark eyes.

"Simon," she whispered, like a prayer.

Simon nodded to her, "Hello Mother."

Regan struggled to compose herself, "Your sister, I saw-"

"River will come when she's ready. I'd like to talk to you. You and Father."

Regan couldn't answer. Emotion she hadn't acknowledged for years raged through her. Her children. Fugitives. Her babies. She was still a mom, after trying to ignore and suppress it all this time, the maternal instinct came back with a vengeance. She would not lose her children again. Fear gripped her heart in an instant. How would Gabriel react? She couldn't let him ruin this. What if they never got another chance? How would she tell him, how would she communicate to him how important this was to her when they had never once spoken of it? Regan's frazzled mind locked onto her husband's face, saw the moment he recognized the man on her arm.

In less than a breath, Gabriel had approached them, "And just what the hell do you think you're doing coming here, exposing us to your criminal-"

Regan grabbed her husband's arm, "Gabriel!"

"If you raise an alarm," Simon's voice was steely cold, "you'll never see either of us again. You can count on that."

"We won't!" Regan assured him, holding onto both of them as if they could slip away at any moment.

Simon kept his eyes on his father, "I would like to speak with the two of you. There are things I would like to clear up."

Regan had no recollection of how they had found the rather shady looking bar they were in, much less how they had become seated at a table she would normally not have dared touch. But drinks were being delivered and Simon was talking in the same deadly serious voice. He had been such a sensitive child, where was this - coldness coming from? She struggled to pay attention to what he was saying.

"River is here with me," Simon began, "But we felt it would be best if I spoke to you first, discussed some ground rules..."

Regan looked around... but could find no sign River. Gabriel was vibrating beside her, his voice level, though his emphasis clear enough, "Ground rules? Ground rules! You kidnapped your sister!"

"I rescued her-"

Gabriel snorted, "From the safety of a government run institution into a life of running from the law?"

Simon took a breath, "I didn't come here to argue the facts."

Regan fidgeted in her seat, torn between wanting to linger on every feature of her son to needing to see her daughter. River was certainly close, she had to be.

"Then what is your purpose here," Gabriel's voice rose above Regan's thoughts, "And if you've come to extort money, I can tell you you are sorely-"

Regan's heart began to pound, "Gabriel, please."

Simon's eyes lingered on the door as a couple came into the bar. Regan looked back only to see a tall rough looking man, an anxious young woman, wearing the most ridiculously lacy dress she'd ever seen on his arm; Still no sign of River.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Mal surveyed the room in one sweep and led Kaylee to a table behind Simon's. Kaylee was already biting her fingernails when they sat, staring at the family scene with a mixture of worry and wonder. She looked like a character from an old nursery rhyme, looking for lost sheep.

Mal leaned against a pillar near the shadows, where a figure lurked on the other side."Can feel you shivering from a foot away," Mal muttered under his breath, "Take it you haven't gone over yet."

River nodded, "Don't want to look. Can't seem to stop."

Mal dropped his hand casually and found hers in the darkness, "You won't get another chance at this anytime soon. Maybe never."

River leaned forward an inch, "She's looking for me."

"That's got to be a start, hasn't it?"

"If the lie is good enough, maybe Simon can believe it, and feel healed. But even if the lie is good, I'll know it's not the truth. But if I don't know, I won't know... can pretend it's better than the lies."

"That may be," Mal didn't understand half of what she'd said, "But River, they don't look so evil to me."

River sighed as the voices at the table rose, "Not ready."

Mal squeezed her hand, and then let go, "Too bad, she's seen you."

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Not only had Regan spotted River as soon as she'd leaned out from the shadow, she'd seen the way the large man had taken her hand and the ease between them. She held her breath as River walked toward their table. She was thin - too thin, but there was still some beauty to her, and poise.

Gabriel stopped mid-sentence as she sat down between him and Simon "River."

She did not glance toward Regan, only locked eyes with her father, "A little over a year ago, you received an invitation to Simon's wedding. You passed that information along to my enemy. We mean to hear why."

"I don't know what you mean!" Gabriel drew back, "Your brother, I fear, I has been filling your head with paranoia and lies since he kidnapped you."

"They were killing me. I reached out to Simon because I knew he was the only one who would listen."

Gabriel shook his head, "Impossible."

"With scissors and knives they carved my brain - can't erase the cuts, but don't have to prove it to you."

Gabriel paled, "I don't believe anyone would harm you at the Academy - they came highly, highly recommended."

"I don't care if you believe us." Simon sighed, "You contacted Dr. Marcus Liu and you told him where we could be found."

"Well, yes! You think that a few years would go by and we'd ignore the only clue we had to where you could be? You may have lost your mind, but we weren't going to let you drag River's entire life down to the sewers. Dr. Liu has connections. He could get us information discreetly."

"I suppose the thought of just accepting the invitation didn't occur to you."

Gabriel bristled, "We had no idea if it was legitimate, much less from you. It could very well have been some fraud or a lure by mercenaries."

Simon exchanged a look with River. She cocked her head to the side, then nodded at him and Regan could practically see the tension melt away from Simon's face, "That is... better than what I hoped."

"Look here -"

"Liu sent someone to the wedding to kill River."

"Impossible!"

"True," River nodded.

"There must be some mistake, I can contact Dr. Liu and you'll see -"

"He's dead," River said simply, "He came after me twice. I would not allow a third chance."

Gabriel wavered then, reached out for Regan's hand which she accepted as a substitute for the touch she wanted from her children.

Simon glanced back at the anxious looking girl in the pink dress sitting at a table behind them, "I'd like to introduce you to someone, but first, there are a few more issues I'd like to clear up..."

The things that followed, the stories Regan heard she could not totally comprehend. But Gabriel was not arguing anymore and she was hearing her children's voices - not the words as much as the sound - so familiar and yet, so strange to her now.

Simon was relaxing by a measure and River even smiled and allowed her father to touch her shoulder. Simon's wife, well... she wasn't the sort Regan would ever have wished for her son, and certainly not a match she would be advertising to her friends, but Regan was in a rather forgiving mood and certainly the girl had a bit of charm to her, low class thought it may be.

Gabriel and Simon digressed into medical talk while Regan watched River, struggling to find some connection to the adolescent she had been when she'd left, and wondering if the girl saw any resemblance in Regan to the mother she'd once been.

"Always be a mother." River offered from across the table, "Your face does not show the time."

"Nice of you to say," Regan touched the creases around her eyes self-consciously, "There's a new treatment I want to try to get rid of these, but your father insists on researching it until it goes out of style."

River smiled hesitantly and Regan found herself wishing she could say River hadn't aged. But she had. Much more than could be allowed for by time.

River had once been... well, Regan wasn't shy to admit she'd been jealous of her daughter's flawless beauty and effortless grace, but she'd been proud too. Of course, River had had her share of pride about it herself. Regan hadn't channeled that out of her because she deserved it - River had deserved to feel a bit above everyone else, because she had been. And now, now... Regan mourned for that girl with all her potential. It would have been something special - to grow old and have such a glorious image to point to as fruit from the same vine. But what was left of her daughter, her offspring? She couldn't even speak properly.

Regan hadn't realized she'd been staring until River stood abruptly and excused herself. Regan frowned, noted the man that had escorted Kaylee in follow her out of the bar. Simon's eyebrows snapped together, "What did you say, Mother?"

Regan shook her head, "Nothing! We were talking about my crow's feet!"

Simon watched her face for a long moment, "What were you thinking, then?"

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Mal caught up with River a few feet from the door, grabbed her arm to halt her progress. Tears were already streaming down her cheek as she whipped toward him, "She's disappointed. So sad I'm so wrong."

Mal took a moment to understand her meaning, then sighed and pulled her into an embrace, "There ain't nothing wrong about you River."

"Speech patterns and hair style and f-fashion," River choked out, her face buried in his chest "She p-probably sees the dirt under my toe nails."

Mal smiled just slightly as he stroked her hair, "Now, now - that's just the psychic in you talkin' - ain't no one else can see the dirt in your toe nails. That smudge on your cheek, now that's a different thing altogether."

River shook her head, "Not funny."

"Okay," Mal took a deep breath and prepared to wait out the emotion; noted with an uncomfortable pleasantness how it felt to have River's body in the way of his breathing.

Mal caught sight of Regan Tam coming out of the bar, but River didn't need to see her to know; turned to face her, stepping away from Mal, "I had dreams too, I had hopes too. All gone, all ripped away and sliced up, but I survived and I can't regret that I can't go back. I can't regret that I lost it all, that I won't ever be what I wanted - what you wanted."

Mal watched River's mother carefully; she was crying freely as well, repeating that she was sorry, so very sorry and Mal believed her. He looked over to River, to see if she was too blind with hurt to see it. She stood quietly a moment, shaking - she'd never looked more alone. She was always a combination of strength and vulnerability - it caught at him like he couldn't describe. Mal had to remind himself not to interfere and that perhaps she looked so alone now because at this moment, it was by choice.

River took a breath, challenge in her eyes, "But I never had a chance to be what I wanted to be. You let them manipulate me before my cells ever divided the first time."

Regan frowned, clearly not comprehending.

River tried again, "Liu told me - the government encouraged you to have another Simon but instead of nature - you let them create me."

"How- River," Regan shook her head, then glanced back toward the bar. She reached out to her daughter for the first time in six years and took both River's hands in hers. When she spoke it was in an urgent whisper, "I never - the - egg they implanted didn't take. But I was afraid... I'd already decided the whole thing was a mistake. I - your father and I got pregnant so quickly after I just... didn't tell anyone. I was afraid they'd force us to terminate the natural pregnancy so I just... let them believe their calculations had been a few days off and... I never thought of it again. I assumed they'd... realize after you didn't display what they wanted that the experiment had failed and then - leave us alone."

"But as time passed, you realized that because they thought I was theirs, I'd never really be yours. And you let go of me," from the intensity of River's gaze into her mother's eyes, Mal guessed that she was reading.

Regan laughed mirthlessly, "You ended up being far more gifted than they'd ever dreamed."

"Then I took Simon away also and your heart became very cold."

"It wasn't fair. I know that." Regan pulled her hands away, "I just wanted you to know... whoever you are, River, you are wholly your own."

River nodded, "Thank you."

Then, with more fear than warmth, Regan put her arms around her daughter. And, after a moment, River returned the embrace before Regan pulled away and pushed her way back into the bar.

It was one of the more difficult things Mal had had to do - to stand there - let River digest yet another emotional epiphany. He was so tired of watching her struggle through this alone. He wanted to do something. He wanted to fix it. He wanted her to know he cared - but the only way he knew how to show that was to shoot at someone and that didn't quite seem to be what she needed at the moment. And so he waited.

After a time River turned to him, "There can't be much else that can hit me now."

Mal took a step toward her, "Huh?"

River smiled up at him, "Got rid of the triggers, my old trainer, the obsessed scientist, resolved my origin, reconciled with my parents... odds are in my favor - smooth sailing from here."

Mal grinned and put his arm around her, "Right, well, I have to admit it was convenient to get it all done in one shot."

River let her head rest against him, "Does make for an exhausting few weeks though."

"Well, don't go into hibernation just yet - we've got another wedding to get to."

"Right. Full circle," River didn't look at him when she asked, "Why did you come?"

"Someone had to escort Kaylee, she was a wreak of nerves, and that dress don't fit through most doors," Mal frowned, wondering how much of his need to be here to make sure River was all right came through to her, and if it upset her, "Er - so.. how did she do?"

"Good. She told my father his new transport was made out of twelve buckets of fancy paint covering rejected scrap metal and put together by morons."

"Ah, well. That's our Kaylee, making an impression."

"Mal."

"Hmm."

"It was good enough you were here, didn't need you to shoot anything."

"Good," Mal stood taller, it wasn't so bad, now and then: being read like a book.

_Back to the morning after the wedding:_

_"Here, Captain."_

_"Where?"_

_"Where I said I would be."_

_"On the ship?"_

_"Yes."_

_River listened to the static with interest before Mal's voice came through again, "All right. You need anything?"_

_River smiled, he was so full of guilt - sweet but completely pointless. She waved off shortly after she reassured him that everything she needed was here on the ship for her. For now._

_She stretched out her legs, rested them on the console and looked out Serenity's great front windows. Instead of the black that was so often home there was cloud and color and all the things that made atmosphere so wonderful._

_River chose a symphony in her head and allowed herself, only for this day, only in this total privacy to relive and relish what had passed between herself and her Captain. _

_She would not, as she'd promised, stand in the way of whatever path Mal and Inarra's relationship took. But for just now, she was tired of fighting and thinking and plotting... For just now, she would let herself dream._


	12. Connections

**Title: Connections**

**Disclaimer: I do not own this universe or these characters.**

**A/N: Er Hmm. So, I lied about the quick thing. Sorry about that but there was this HGTV show that caused a fun but distracting ruckus in my backyard. **

On the whole, River did not like attending weddings. For River, sitting in an audience full of people who purported to bless and support the union was a little bit like sitting amongst a hive of very noisy bees.

Very few people attended the ceremony and focused good and loving thoughts toward the couple at the front of the room. Whispers of past experiences, other weddings, and the histories that had sprouted from each separate thread floated around the room while the angry buzz of a thousand jealousies murmured and whirred.

That is what had made Kaylee and Simon's wedding so special. Kaylee's family had been genuinely happy... the whole town had just seemed eager to accept and support this union that they knew nothing about apart from the simple truth that their Kaylee, a part of their community, had chosen it. River had been able to stand at the very front - the funnel's end of all the thoughts and feelings of those that had attended and she had been able to soak only in good and loving intentions. Memories bittersweet perhaps, but nothing that took away from the beauty of what Kaylee and Simon meant to each other.

Inara's wedding was far more traditional, far less full of life, and, though everyone wore smiles along with their dresses, River could feel Inara's place in her husband's estate would not be completely unchallenged; wherever there was great fortune there would always be great envy. Still, River felt encouraged by the support particularly of Inara's Companion community - it was far stronger than their jealousy and, in all, good feeling outweighed evil.

After three days of ceremony the beauty and comparable quiet of the final processions were heaven. Serenity's crew had been allowed to walk along Inara's sedan and her many maids of honor; not quite part of the procession, but near enough. The beauty of the bride was rivaled only by the beauty of the day she had created and the nature of the planet she was to call home.

Now, cloistered back into a grand but, for River's tastes, rather stifling hall, River found herself unable to hear the vows over the thoughts that hissed around her. She felt grounded among her crew, everyone dressed in their finery and full of memory and joy for their friend - still... she wanted to be outside again, she wanted to be away from all these lives she had no desire to dwell within, she wanted to escape.

Casually, Mal put a hand on her knee. It was a hand of comfort, no more, but it did the trick. The weight of his hand just a layer away from her skin didn't exactly bring her peace - still she stifled the flight of her pulse and took from his touch exactly as he intended... Support.

She took two very deep breaths concentrating on blocking the roar of minds in hers to a hum and finally to barely a vibration.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Mal noticed how his pilot had started to hunch up the longer the ceremony dragged on and found that when she relaxed at his touch, so did he. She had this incredible way of making him feel right somehow. He'd been noticing recently a dominating sense of pride in his River. He didn't really know what to do with it, honestly, but it seemed to rise up from his chest any time it was apparent how strong she had become - or anytime he walked into a room with her at his side.

Not too long ago the woman at the alter giving herself to another man - the woman destined always to give herself to other men - had been his holy grail. Not too long ago River had been merely a mysterious girl - a victim - smuggled on his ship naked in every way - no clothes, no way to protect herself or her mind.

But that had been before Miranda. Before he'd returned to his crew to find River had sacrificed herself to the Reavers. Before the blast doors had opened to reveal that she'd sacrificed the Reavers instead... to reveal they were the last two standing. The two with the worlds on their shoulders.

And even then, he hadn't seen it fully. Unaware of anything except there had been something in him that had died in that moment, and something in him that had been reborn.

Then the wall had disappeared behind her and a dozen guns had been trained on her.

It was that moment, he truly knew - their eyes met and they both acknowledged this was death. No more hope.

Mal saw the way her hand gripped the weapon in her hand as she turned to face it- and he knew he was going to see her, not ten feet from him, torn apart by bullets and there would be nothing he could do to stop it.

The world had been turned upside down at that moment. He could still see the image of beautiful pristine Inara as he limped out of the elevator, hardly a mark on her and feel the hollow moment he realized he would never again be able to accept her. And he knew, with the hellfire facing him, that he would never find anyone more beautiful than the girl before him, shaking with power and nerve- half his age, half his size and a hundred times his worth. He understood all this in that moment - told it to her in his mind, willing her to hear him, to take his sin because they were about to die together and there would be no one but her to judge him.

But they'd lived. By all miracles they had lived and he had shut down his mind and his heart. Avoided her all too penetrating eyes and pretended he hadn't told her... because in fact, he hadn't.

It had taken years and another trigger for Mal to recognize the ache in his heart he'd been desperately ignoring. And there was no going back for him - he'd realized _that_ the moment he'd seen Matthew Warner come for River just as she'd predicted. Even knowing it was a rouse, his blood had boiled at the site of that snake trying to wrap himself around her. It was no wonder Warner had accepted the bait - Mal hadn't been acting. Somewhere deep in his gut, that no rank, no power, no charm - no one could affect her loyalty to him. And yet, somehow, that just made him want to rip Warner apart even more.

She was pure and she was his pilot, his crew and someday she'd be his in every way that counted.

Mal's train of thought was interrupted by a thunder of applause as the ceremony concluded and an almighty symphony of sound erupted from the orchestra. Belatedly he started to clap as Inara and her husband rushed passed.

Well, that was that. Mal was pleased to feel just a small sort of sadness at the corner of his brain for history, for what had once been between their hearts at least. But there was no regret, no...

Mal frowned, feeling something wasn't quite right. He looked down to see River at his side - staring straight ahead her hands still folded in her lap.

Mal looked around, searching for the source of her distraction, but as he did, she shook her head in the negative and he got a better look at her face. She was blushing. These two things connected in a moment. She'd read his worry... and she was still blushing.

All the blood drained from Mal's face; he'd forgotten - for just a few minutes - he'd forgotten River could read his mind.

_The day after Simon's Wedding:_

_Mal stared at the com for a long moment after signing off, then stared into the distance where he knew generally where Serenity was docked; Where he knew generally where River Tam sat within her. And somehow that was right in his 'verse. They went together now - River and Serenity - River and flying._

_He put his boots up on the rusty old railing and tried to be content in that - tried not to feel that hollow feeling that he had no right to be feeling that that was all there was - all he was letting it be._


	13. Feast and Famine

**Title: Feast and Famine**

**Disclaimer: I don't own this universe or these characters.**

**A/N: This is really like Chapter 12b. Thanks for the quick reviews guys - it makes all the difference in getting me motivated to get the story out of my brain. **

A rush of people followed in the newlywed's wake, forming a clog at the door leading to the banquet hall. The break in the formalities led to a muted roar as guests relaxed into conversation as they waited for the line to move.

River and Mal were not the only ones still sitting, several small groups huddled around each other choosing to wait until the first mass of people were well off to the banquet before following at their leisure. Still, despite the crowd milling around the pair, River and Mal were - for all intents and purposes - alone.

Mal cleared his throat.

River felt just as exposed, just as caught as he did. She could have stopped him, should have, once she realized where his thoughts had been heading, but ... the end result would have been the same. And she'd been compelled by him - so raw and unedited beside her.

Embarrassment seemed to choke her while echoes of what he had thought still tangled merciless with hope and doubt in her head. River gripped her hands together, "You're confused."

"Pardon?"

"You're just confused."

"Confused."

"You - were so invested in the performance - you - your emotions are all mixed up in loyalty and rescue and honor and..." River's heart seemed to be racing her words. She took a stuttering breath, "You don't have to say this."

Mal turned toward her, and she tried to hold her breath, to keep from showing him too much. He watched her for several seconds, River finally let out her breath, feeling foolish and felt the mild amusement in his voice, "I don't have to say what, exactly?"

"You don't know what you're feeling! It might not be true! It might all part of the... role you played. Of course you didn't like Warner. Of course you feel that now that Inara is married-"

Mal's brows snapped together, "Inara ain't got nothing to do with this."

River shrugged, much more comfortable with his anger than the sentiment that kept pushing at her brain, "Just - everything's mixed together. Inara and Warner and me and the Alliance. You feel responsible for me, you understand how alone, how I want... you and you think you should want me back."

"I do?"

River glanced at him, then away, and her heart sunk, he hadn't. Until she'd just told him. She finished weakly, "You'd regret it."

"Regret what?"

"Me. Because I'm not - you're trapped, you think you're trapped."

"No, I don't"

"You might... someday."

"It sounds like you're saying I don't know my own mind," Mal's voice was dangerously level, River turned her head to stare at him, "Like, maybe because you're psychic you know my thoughts better than I do?"

"I-"

"Right, you know this someday you're so worried about?" Mal stood up, "I'm looking forward to it - because maybe when we get there you'll figure out you don't know every gorram thing. I'm fit to starve. You coming?" Mal offered her his arm.

River stood, frustrated, "I never said that I knew every gorram thing."

"Yeah, well I never got a chance to say anything, did I?" He took her hand, not ungently and put it through his arm, "Maybe you should try listening a little deeper from here on out." Then, Mal led them forward to join the rest of the crew, effectively cutting off any further conversation.

River was not often rendered speechless. But for nearly the entire banquet she could barely put two words together. It was not making it any easier that Mal seemed perfectly fine, not only with her discomfort, but with the whole situation in general. He was making no effort to block his thoughts from her, in fact, he seemed to take pleasure in the freedom - as he himself had not allowed the feelings before and now he was savoring his own acknowledgment of them as well as the effect it was having on her.

When Inara and her husband shared their first dance he held nothing back in his mind. River saw the night they'd confronted Liu and how Inara had taken Mal aside and confronted him - had given him the ultimatum and had been gently denied. Mal's fondness for the Companion, his love for her was there for River to see and she could not be threatened by it... Because it was so different from what was there now for her; at her very fingertips there was a deep well of trust and desire and acceptance tempting her, taunting her.

But it was when he nodded toward the dance floor crowded with guests that River finally let go. If this man could invite her to publicly stand with him at this event in particular, she could rise to meet him. She dove into her own emotion for him, abandoned herself to it and mirrored it to him in her eyes, unsure of how to express her surrender.

It was a bit intoxicating, to have all the boundaries, all the reservations she'd carefully kept around her heart lifted all at once; and to have his heart there waiting for her when she did. The music lifted her, their hands joined, their bodies drew together near enough to brush as the dance dictated, and his eyes were on hers - avoiding nothing, hiding nothing, challenging everything. The intent was within him now and she lifted her face to meet him, lost, for once, in the present and thinking only of... "Jayne."

Mal stopped moving, his eyebrows raised, "I know you didn't just say -" But he was taller than River and he was already swearing when he saw Zoe weaving through the dancers towards them.

"Sorry to interrupt, Sir," Zoe looked apologetic, but unembarrassed, when she reported quietly, "Jayne's been arrested."

_The evening after Simon's wedding:_

_The trek back to the ship was not exactly as mundane as it should have been. Mal's steps were heavy and his mind full of the last twenty four hours. Inara was ignoring him again, though he could tell her curiosity had only escalated. Though Kaylee was happily hanging onto Simon and giggling to Jayne over every possible detail of the wedding, Simon himself had dark circles under his eyes and a grim set to his jaw that mirrored Mal's sense of things._

_There was a lot to do, even with the advantage that River's immunity to triggers gave them. How to prepare their own minds, what to tell the crew and what to keep hidden until the time came, how to keep working and still recognize the threat when it came - a hundred ways this could go wrong ricocheted around in his head._

_And still he'd gone and managed to complicate the most complicated of situations. He had carefully been avoiding Simon's eye and sidestepping Inara's pointed looks and all the while he was focused on getting back to his ship, getting back to River. He wasn't totally sure he believed that there would be no consequences for his damn fool behavior this morning, and he wasn't sure he liked River's blase attitude about the whole thing. It made him feel... unsettled somehow. Like there was something still lurking around the corner. Mal squared his shoulders as he stood in Serenity's shadow. Whatever it was, whenever it came - he'd sure as hell be prepared for it. He looked up at his ship as River opened the hatch without needing to be hailed. _


	14. Patience

**Title: Patience**

**Disclaimer: I do not own this universe or these characters  
**

**A/N: additional disclaimer - I'm nervous to post this because I can't look it over again tonight - please forgive the glaring typos if they exist - I always have a couple, which is why I'm nervous. **

Mal, River, Zoe, Simon and Kaylee huddled together near the balcony. Kaylee's head rested on Simon's shoulder, "Why don't we just ask Inara to have a talk with the lawman. It doesn't have to be a big deal."

Mal shook his head, "We're not gonna risk embarrassing her today. No, out of respect for Inara, we do this nice and quiet like." Mal took a breath, "Which is why it makes most sense to go ahead and get Jayne out of that holdin' thing they got there - not even let it get to the jail."

"That makes sense, Sir, how are you going to do that without going in gun-ready?" Zoe asked.

Mal nodded his head toward the balcony ledge where, two stories down, they could see where Jayne was being held. Mal tried to look confident, "Well, I figure you could go in and sweet talk that deputy there while I get to the lock and get Jayne out."

There was a momentary silence as everyone turned to Zoe, who cocked an eyebrow, "Flirt, Sir?" Mal nodded, "I don't flirt."

"I'll do it." River said quickly.

Mal ignored her and turned to Kaylee, "You up for it?"

Simon shook his head, "No she isn't."

Kaylee turned around to argue with Simon while River stepped in front of Mal to argue with _him_, "I can do it. You could use Kaylee with the lock - she can take care of it without busting it and raising the alarm."

Mal muttered under his breath, "Look, this sort of job needs..."

"You don't think I can flirt. I can flirt. Just because I haven't made a habit of it since you've known me..."

Mal smiled mildly, "River, let's not turn this into something-"

River turned abruptly and stalked gracefully away. Simon and Kaylee stopped arguing to watch as River interrupted a conversation at the bar between two women and a man. Within a minute the two women had drifted away and it was quite obvious River's flirtations were a success. Suddenly she turned from him with a parting nod and went back to the group.

Kaylee grinned, "River, I never knew you had it in ya, sweetie!"

River stared triumphantly up at Mal, "Trained assassin. How do you suppose they expected me to get close enough to kill my target?"

"Wait!" Simon put a hand out in front of him, "I don't think I want to hear this."

"Companions are implicitly trusted - we needed to be able to get close without trust - have just as much skill to seduce-" River rolled her eyes as Simon covered his ears, "Wouldn't have to actually _do_ anything - just get them alone to kill them and leave without fuss."

Mal frowned down at her, then glared over her shoulder as the man she'd chatted up came toward them, "Hey, did I say something off, because I thought we were getting along-"

Mal pointed at him, "You - get out of here."

River looked at the man when he refused to move. She looked almost confused, "Yes, please leave," she lowered her voice as if imparting a secret, "We're trying not to shoot anyone tonight."

The man's face turned a funny shade of red and then white as Mal's hand rested warningly near his gun. He retreated hastily back to the bar and pretended to look calm.

"You-" Mal pointed to River - seemed at a loss of words and finally, he sighed, "Come on, let's get started."

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

"There's got to be two hundred Companions here and you go after the daughter of the Mayor," Mal hissed as he crouched with his back to Kaylee while she worked her magic with the cage lock.

"Hey, they were all dressed the same, and she came onto me, Mal - I just - tried to hurry the deal along," Jayne protested, "I'm the victim here. Small planet politics! My Pa always said to stick to the moons - at least if you're gonna get in trouble, it's gonna be for something you deserved."

"Just consider this payment for one of the many things you deserved trouble for but weren't ever caught for," Kaylee piped in helpfully.

Mal kept up a steady stream of swearing (mostly directed toward Jayne) while he concentrated very hard on not actually watching the part River was playing with the deputy. It had been disconcerting to see her slip into the role like she had - no quivers or second glances. But she was just doing her job - and she would always do her job exceptionally well.

"Hey - Moonbrain looks hot," Jayne added conversationally as the lock to his confinement popped open noiselessly and Kaylee sighed in satisfaction at her own handiwork.

Mal grit his teeth to keep from using his gun to clock Jayne in the head, "Just get your no good, greedy skin back to the ship and if I hear one peep out of you before we're off world, you're going to find yourself at the business end of small planet justice before you can spit."

Jayne took his hat out of his jacket pocket and put it on, grumbling about politics as he made toward following orders. Mal grabbed his arm before he could straighten and, avoiding Kaylee's eye muttered, "Next time we're out for supplies - you get River one of those string violin things... with your own coin... you owe it."

Jayne grimaced at Mal for a moment, then glanced toward River and the deputy. Finally, he grunted agreement and went on his way.

Mal waited for the sound of Jayne's departure to disappear, then nodded to Kaylee and they both straightened up. Mal braced himself for anything he might see as he offered Kaylee his arm and strolled away from the deputy's vehicle. It was the signal to Simon to interrupt River's time with the deputy; it was also the first chance Mal had had to get a good look at River's end of the deal.

Mal knew he shouldn't look - or even better, shouldn't mind. He didn't want to. He trusted River, even though they weren't... exactly together - he trusted in her what he hadn't dared trust to anyone in a very long time. Still... he wouldn't be human if he didn't just take a glance.

Of course it wasn't that bad - the two were just talking... even if intimately. River, laughing up at the deputy who was leaning over her, touching the earrings she'd borrowed from Kaylee. Mal shouldn't have looked, he glared at Simon as they passed on the stairs as if every second River was with the deputy now was his fault. Simon glared back, as River being with the deputy altogether was Mal's fault.

Simon's interruption went to plan, the deputy went back into the party and they all separated just as discussed. Simon would, of course, eventually rendezvous with Kaylee in their own room after escorting River back safely to her own room. Zoe had accompanied Jayne to Serenity... just in case. And Mal... ended up just where he ought to be. Alone.

Mal sat on the bed of his hotel room and stared grimly at the closed door. This whole mess of a day could not have gone better, really. Inara had gotten married; Mal took a second to digest this. He'd been so consumed with his own feelings... for River... that he'd sort of let Inara's marriage - her departure from his life slip passed. They'd said their goodbyes though. The rest - all this - was just ceremony.

He once again and finally let go of Inara- everything this time and continued bitterly counting their blessings. There had been no official identification of Jayne, no one had even been officially arrested. No one had been killed or injured... everyone had ended up safe and exactly where they started out. There was just one problem - and that was that Mal didn't want to be where he'd started anymore.

How much time had he wasted worrying about what everyone and anyone would think of him for loving someone he didn't think he should love? How long had he been playing the coward?

Mal was done caring about what people would see when they saw he and... River - together. They had a chance here. A chance that he'd only truly realized they had when they'd sat together in the hall, accidentally spilling their hearts out to each other. He'd been prepared for another long suffering, silent, implied connection. He'd been prepared to live as only her Captain, loving her without confirmation - without physical consummation...

Mal pushed his hands through his hair, reigned in his thoughts and took a steadying breath. But things had changed. He'd seen the fear of his feelings, and ultimately his rejection in her eyes. And for once, Mal understood that the right thing to do - the selfless thing to do - was to be selfish. River, for all her triumph over the past year, had heavy burdens still - not the least of which, he'd realized, was the fear of getting this close to him, and being the first to know that he'd regret it.

Mal stood up. Thing was, he knew something River didn't. And that was the absolute truth of his own feelings. The regret she feared, the regret she must sense was regret he harbored for ever wanting her - for her every being in this place to have to be on his ship rather than on some concert stage or dance hall. His regret would never, not as long as the stars kept spinning, be over having her as his own. No, now that he knew she was there for him, he wouldn't turn from her.

He was done pacing and worrying over what he wanted; Done living like a ghost stuck in the wrong clothes. Years he'd kept himself loyal to one love: Serenity and the losing side of a war. Well, he had a new plan now. There was going to be a new start. Mal walked to the door, paused at the handle... There would be no more questions. Only beginnings.

Mal grabbed the door knob and swung open the door.

River's hair lifted as the rushing wind of the door opening swept by her. It took Mal less than a moment to comprehend River's presence at his door and the flush in her cheeks. _ I've been waiting for you_, he thought dumbly.

"Here I am," River said simply and reached for him just as Mal pulled her into the room. Even as his hands were finally full of her, Mal was the one that kicked the door shut. The sharp crack was like a trigger; No more running.

_The night after Simon's wedding: _

_River felt him hesitate at the threshold of the cockpit. She wouldn't turn to him until he'd decided to come in and sit in the chair across from her. She smiled, "Course is set Captain."_

_Mal met her look, a wave of regret carried with it. River ignored it and swallowed her own regrets - there were plans to make. She would set him at ease and in time he would forget what had passed between them. But she wouldn't. She would bring it up to her mind and relive it a thousand times when she closed her eyes. And she would wait; Even if every sense and dream told her there was nothing to wait for, she would wait and pretend that her heart didn't already belong to him._


	15. Epilogue

**Epilogue **

**A/N: Sorry this took so long, and thank you sincerely for your reviews and input and support. **

As they stood before the heavy oak doors, River couldn't resist letting her fingers caress the edges of the intricate iron decorations along the front. The morning sun had just begun to warm the wood - peace, sanctuary, faith and strength were the emanating characteristics of these doors. Witness to centuries of life and death and war, these things were mere blinks in time. The doors had grown strong with the peace of every cycle around the star, every day that became night and was born again into day.

River breathed in, felt the doors breathe as well, before Mal's cleared throat brought her up sharply - the doors were opening. He was nervous and she wanted to be supportive. She glanced up at him apologetically with a quick smile and reached down for his hand. His eyes flicked only momentarily towards hers before facing the man who greeted them.

River smiled brightly, but did not go forward, nor did she release Mal's hand. There were customs to be acknowledged. The man, whom River already knew to be Shepard James Finney, was waiting on their patience, wondering if their correspondence had been trustworthy. He was a good man. A righteous man. River had chosen him specifically and she knew that once the stories they had already exchanged were repeated for the sake of doing so face to face, Shepard Finney would be amenable to their needs.

_Earlier that year:_

_It was a matter of course now that the haunting sounds of River's violin filled Serenity's halls at odd times and hours. She had, of course, the ability to know when it might be more welcome than others and her shipmates soon found, on some deep barely conscious level, that if they allowed themselves to listen, whatever music she was offering was just what they needed to hear._

_It had taken a bit longer for the crew to stop coming up short when Jayne joined her on the guitar. After a few outbursts of asking what was so shocking about it, Jayne had ignored the looks and let himself play whenever he had the urge to play. In fact, it wasn't even uncommon anymore to see the big merc playing by himself up on the catwalks. Sometimes, there was the hint in the air for River that he wanted her to join in and sometimes... not. She understood completely.  
_

_The music had rescued River. Being with Mal, in the way that she was, nearly consumed her in a way that even she had not been able to foresee. She could not contain, nor express with word or deed or look the emotion of loving him, of being touched by him or cherished by him. It threatened to overwhelm her breath and break open her heart with the awe and grandeur of it. _

_The music was her outlet. She poured out the overflow through the strings, through the living, breathing tune in the air. _

_Mal was, of course, still incredibly stubborn. But then, the violin took that as well. And, though he joked now and then about the oddity of having a proficient on a smuggling ship, River knew that Mal understood more than he let on. She could sense him sometimes, pausing wherever he was on the ship to hear her; To hear what her heart was saying through the violin._

_Tonight he had wandered into the bay with no pretense in his hand or mind but to watch her. That she was letting the violin express what she could not about what had passed between them earlier on this night, she knew would make him blush. But the passion, the overwhelming satisfaction and beauty of what loving him was to her had to be released and she knew of no other way than through this instrument. _

_Having him there, listening, open to her, only added to the depth of her need for him and she promised herself she would share his bed again before morning. River closed her eyes as something undefinable reached him and he understood exactly what she was playing. And rather than being embarrassed, she felt him soak it in, let himself feel for her what he'd fought for so long, found himself wanting to bind her to him in a sense that had seemed ridiculous to him since he'd lost his God._

_It wasn't the first time marriage had entered his mind, and it wasn't something that jogged River out of her reverie. It was special to her only in that the tradition that had once been so important to him - back when he'd been a man of faith, of family and tradition and home - and it was something he wanted to share with her. Of course, that home, that tradition was not what it once had been. Even if it had been definitely safe to do so, he would die before submitting something as completely his own as his love to the government for approval. Similarly, she had no desire to get authorization or accreditation from that same government that had so nearly destroyed her._

_But she realized then, as he thought of his parents, the neighbors and extended family that had been a part of his life and belief system that there would always be something missing for him not to be able to commit to her in the way he'd been taught back on Shadow. She realized that, for him, being unable to exchange vows was another piece of Mal that the Alliance had stolen from him. And from that night on, River decided, it was something she intended to steal back._

Back at the Abbey:

They were stood at the top of a cliff with the setting sun casting a golden glow on their faces. Green surrounded them at the crest while desert lay far beyond and below them. Simon had walked River down a small path through the rocks and, with both tears and challenge, had handed his sister to his captain.

The crew were the only witnesses and Shepherd Finney, using Shepherd Book's Holy Book, took them through their vows.

The wind carried the same peace, the same blessing that River had felt from the ancient oak doors of the Abbey. The shepherd's gravely voice reminded her of Shepherd Book. Simon's heartfelt hope for her happiness, Zoe's solemn approval, Kaylee's teary happiness and Jayne's reluctant emotion carried heavily in the air. And the man who was pledging his life to hers held her hands and looked into her eyes with a blazing conviction and a careful humility.

The ceremony was no empty tradition, nor was it an act of guilt or shame. It was exactly as the old Shepherd was describing it now as he passed his hands first over Mal's forehead and then River's. This was the symbol of a union that, though unexpected and fought, untraditional and dangerous, was true as breath and endless as thought.

River smiled brightly into Mal's eyes as he pulled away from the kiss - the seal of the promise. And when he gripped her hands again, she felt something indeed had changed for him. From the Abbey, from this ceremony, from her, he had come to peace with his faith.


End file.
